My Mom Has A Pure Love

Fear is the killer, I shouldn't be killed. Not now. No way.

A lot of things are on my mind. It's hard when I find myself doing things backward then switching to frontward and then, back again. I can't detect precisely where I should lodge. The main reason why I am writing here at this time while sitting on my bed. I feel alone and I think I require a state like this to release the inflexible feeling I keep in my chest whenever I face people.

If only life isn't hard for me now. If only problems are tangible materials that I can get over from easily just by setting them on fire. If only I can choose to let them go when they still have to rest in my heart. I can't do anything. I love my mother and that's the reason why I feel like this.

I know she'll never get to read this. Witnessing tears running down her eyes, I get the message right away. During such moment like last night, an I love you from me can't be enough. I want to fool myself that she's okay but tears from my eyes can't accept a lie. They occupy my heart. I fight for a love I offer for my mom which I believe is mighty. A smile from her allows me to make faith in change; sudden change that one day I will no longer see her sorrow that destroys us both.

Mom, I am still here, not giving up for one reason that I live with the words you said to me even when I was young. I am still here, figuring out how can I be able to form the dreams we've been having for years. I am still here, that no matter how rebelious I am for some people, the fact that you know me can set negative views right away. Yes, I am still here. Still the same daughter who can cry or laugh with you. Your daughter whom you usually say, "Don't think about me anymore... I'll be okay." I am here... Never changed. I am still here, crying with you without you knowing at all.

Off the topic: I finished a conversation with someone at a coffee shop yesterday afternoon with a not fully formed intention which was just to walk out. The thing here is, I'd love to help people. But always remember that it's your own life. To recover from any form of difficulty by helping your own self and finding out on which way is the best thing to do.

Now, I am really happy that the person finally listened.

I know, things will work fine. I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired. Must be because that I am on a low-carb diet. Lately, I've been trying to end it. I want to take care of my own self in a different way. It will be tight but I am definitely looking forward to seeing that day.