Saturday, January 28, 2006
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Exams. Over. Breathe!
We caught Rumor Has It today. The movie talks about relationship and lays emphasis on marriage. At first, I thought it would assist me to get familiar on the bright side of being married and consider seeing myself one day with a man. Unfortunately, it failed. Right now the supremacy of my idea about marriage is so solid. The intensity of my explanation to voice that I don't agree with it is soaring.
After the movie, we parted ways. I stayed to drink a cup of coffee with a good friend; busy with a beneficial chat.
We thought of the senseless and remarkable memories that happened in the past of our lives. I value them no matter what. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am right now. My failures and frustrations are in charge to head me in life. I can't imagine myself anymore escaping from classes and not bothered being suspended for five days. The alarming part for me now is, get to do something that I fear each day, be devoted and willing to take consequences and possibilities.
I do make plans about the future. It feels good at first. But heading on to that direction, I swing my way. I feel like there is an indirect force-often more controlling. I don't want to cling with a weightless aim though. I hate to do something just because I am forced to put everything in there and realize in the end that it doesn't even equate to happiness which I seek to pursue.
We talked about the chaotic process of relationship. There are some circumstances which this world fails to notice that they exist. As for myself, I want a redeeming character. The transmission behind my encounter with dating is not temperate, I tell you. I give breathing space to men. I couldn't imagine myself taking care of a man and yes, you may call me selfish. I reflect and think about a lot of women like me. Who wouldn't love to be longed for or desired? Again, I don't make a sweeping statement. I hate it whenever a member of the opposite sex would control on the purity and vulnerability of young girls. Girls may have fragile hearts but in each of them, there is a powerful love which is not to be betrayed nor smashed even a bit.
It feels good to be around with good men. I am not a man hater. I set extreme dislike doing labels. One chapter in my life locates me in the position to distinguish the path I want and at the same time, could cross. I might need men to rescue me but not now or, never. I acknowledge them. They inspire me to feel good that I am a woman and not just that.
Off the topic: Watch Kontrobersyal tomorrow night on ABS-CBN! My aunt will be featured as she talks about biomedicine. Just see what's there.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Today, I feel like I was someone raised from the dead. There is this man who constantly checks on me and some friends of mine often tell me that he might be a potential love. Please, I need time. I choose to stay in the level wherein loads of days are available for me to be free and just think about school and family. These are two things I somehow failed to focus my liking and attachment for many days.
If you wish to keep something very attractive and appealing, one thing still has to go into it. It is like putting money for a single chance or mere possibility. Gambling is when you lay bets and have faith in your own instinct.
I am sorry if I refuse to accept that I should stop talking about love, when at the present, I don't even have a love life. I am not talking about my dependence on such. I am actually trying to create in my mind all emotions involved on why someone holds on to one person and also, when he arrives at the point realizing that he must set free the best feeling ever.
I learned to let go.
Even the most genuine love can lock us up in chains. The thing here, the aspect of looking closer to ourselves is the key. With each moment we share with our significant other, the amount of time and affection given forms the supreme habit that seems unbreakable. As day comes to its end, we often forget an additional setting. The day has its night and of course, love has its goodbye.
Often I am teased that I am not the accurate Juliet for Romeo. I do not know what constitutes the fondness for love and the set of laws to follow. I would always say to them, I will choose to receive love whomever it may come from. Am I that hopeless romantic? Not at all. I just give value to the feeling the way I understand it.
But isn't it Romeo and Juliet are just two individuals made by Shakespeare's hands? We can't really tell that there is a personality close to Romeo's or Juliet's. This couple is a work of a genius and only a challenge to all of us.
Almost all people aspire for a proper love. But what makes it that way? Is it for a lover to think about it critically? Love for me is a doorway for responsibility and affection. It's not a breathing space to think whether it's right or wrong.
Twisted mind so as misshapen belief, someone said to me. Let me tell you, a feeling or a choice is not to be rationalized or analyzed according to its nature. I remember reading a book where I found the meaning of the word extramundane (the region beyond the material world). Tell me any field like science whatsoever to give full details about loving, but love goes beyond" human understanding". It only tells about one unseen place where the tenderness and sensitivity of one's heart live. When we love someone, we don't give lectures to our significant other, together follow the pattern as it should be. What we only give is our heart. We can only say that a feeling like love is familiar to us when we learn to accept its own way of arresting two used to be lone souls and make the connection wonderful.
Create an enhanced version of Shakespeare's or for a change, your own best work. Listen to your heart. In your own self, there you will find all answers on how you could make it possible.
*(Photo) I took around 7 in the morning today
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
It's past 3 in the morning. Earlier than this, we (with my sister) created a midnight festive. I was not hungry. I only tried to fill up what I know was really there. My stomach. Yes. Also, my plea for contentment and pleasure.
I could wish to get out from this crap but I can't. The sudden rush of my desire which is to write down my inner thoughts is finally here. Hopefully by now, I've caught your attention even for a short moment, then maybe, you're now thinking of clicking the x box at the upper right to move away from my fearful doubt in life. I don't mind. I "set you free".
Are you still with me? I say, thank you to you dear.
If you think I am insane or one hell problematic, come on, dare to choose any. You still do not challenge me. If you opt to pick up my broken statement, I give you every superhuman experience I had in the past.
There was a night when I told someone that I'd still want to hold on to something I sense to be capable of fulfilling and inspiring each day of my life. It has been a long maze for me to go through. I first "played" it but I didn't gain pride out of it. So I lived with it. Guess what, it offered me a feeling---something so real which I believe is only one of its kind.
I am just very frank now of who I am. If you want to really know me, be sincere, open and honest because those were the materials used for me to become like this. People started coming to me and opening up. Their secrets were transferred to me. Imagine that. Their secrets very parallel to each other (Oh, let me include mine also!) which I myself is the only one who can attest on their chance to be included in Guinness record. Just kidding. Seriously, that formulated me as a modern god. My power and influence to give somebody a ride on my journey to "human behavior". I live with these people no matter how far or near I may be.
BUT, at this very moment, my power is very exhausted. I can't feel what's here. I can't see what's there. Imagine the creation in madness. See myself asking for someone but don't know who to select among them.
"Pag-ibig ito pare at mare!" Yes. Another yes.
My problem. Long hell maze. I am not yet insane.
I desire the universe.
Off the topic:
I switched to HaloScan. Old comments are now gone. Please still feel free to let me know that you are here with me by commenting on my box. Thanks.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Friday, December 30, 2005
NEMO'S SAND CASTLE
Thursday, December 29, 2005
I am walking through the door living with my dreams. I am absolutely not a fan of "forever thing" but I have asked myself this: "What if saying goodbye can only mean being apart from each other forever?" Does that make my own self surrendering to forever whenever given the power to speak the g word inside my mind?
Forever's impact over me, so as pain causing extreme distress again.
It wasn't my plan to go home to Cavite yesterday. The drive takes 2-3 hours before I can finally reach my hometown. Since I can't say no to Renz (the birthday boy), I did it for him.
The very moment I found myself reaching Cavite, I realized that I am somewhere in the middle, between the final line of goodbye and the door to a handful source of tranquility. As I started to be away from city life's noise, I knew right there and then that I will be able to relax and indulge to many things the province has for me. My eye in vain had let go of remorse finally.
I got to see some old friends of mine (Glenn, Kit, Aeron) and met new people (Justin, Hild, etc..). Hilda, a gay, opened a lot of things about him. No longer the discreet or the bi-curious stage. He flashes his gayness by being a cross-dresser rather than gambling in a shaky connection with same sex romance. Queer as it is but the open secret made me so conscious about it and amazed me.
1929 musical Bitter Sweet by Noel Coward Green Carnation, 1890s dandies sing:
Pretty boys, witty boys, You may sneer
At our disintegration.
Haughty boys, naughty boys,
Dear, dear, dear!
Swooning with affectation...
And as we are the reason
For the "Nineties" being gay,
We all wear a green carnation.
with SJ and Rendi
I've got more things to say but my body's all screwed up (again). I need to recharge.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
The Big Season
I felt the spirit of Christmas the moment the ticking of the clock was about to arrive at 12 midnight. Christ's day. It is the special day to construct words for a prayer intended to the Son.
I am very pleased for the presents that I've got. I do not say that they all are the concrete ones. The temperate affection from everyone is something that makes me go fanatical about this season.
I remember what I learned from Literature class that a man completes a woman. Female and woman. Without the male and man, fe and wo are what we are destined to; a very opaque portion of link. I was so impressed how a guy took the wind out of my sails. To begin with, he makes me feel that I am a woman. If I should put an end to my story, I do not want to dig up more from the matter. Not a huge one actually, only out of ordinary for a person like me.
Friday, December 23, 2005
the game seeks for us
It's all over. I quit without expecting to succeed at all. I know when to withdraw myself and to be not damn fool about something I know isn't for me. I see a smile on my face now and that's the thing to be awarded with my unending attention.
I am in love with "love" and from the person who gives it to me without delay. I should never be sorry if Beauty haunts me with her alluring nature; often persuasive over me. I see it to be a fortunate accident but there's more truth than what my mind can ever say.
It's quite distressing to think that there is great detachment when you feel like you lost someone you never really had. Weird, noh? When someone goes "gaga" with it. Someone just shared that to me. I understand though. It can never go wrong when we are in control with our feelings. I mean, let's not drown in fear. Why not continue to row and give all the effort to love. You'll never miss happiness and that is for sure.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
I am here and you are there
I woke up very early yesterday. I decided to go to the salon to have my hair cut. I wanted a new hairstyle. When I arrived at the salon, I would have to wait for 3 more persons finish their business there. So I decided to go to Rustan's and bought some stuff. I then moved to another place to find a salon. Finally! I asked them to dye my hair light brown and create a new style also. It turned out to be good.
It was never my plan attending our school's "Paskuhan" but my friend somehow insisted me to go there. It is an event that caters students to a lot of presentations for them to be able to feel the real spirit of Christmas and of course, celebrate it with the company they love to be with. Eventhough I haven't reached the end part of the event, the highlight of it for me was the much-awaited fireworks by everyone. The firework display was so damn fantastico! After that, we moved to Rockwell, then to Greenbelt and found ourselves eating at Via Mares. I started playing the video I took.
Glow and then disappear. The display took about 10 minutes (I think) or even more. I got a video of it with my inner thought that it can be a cruel thing to do for I may not be able to engage in the magic. Awww. "The drama is coming to its end," I told myself. Few minutes of video clipping. I went back slowly as I watch them glow and disappear again. I thought about what I actually felt that very moment; my heart softened. Maybe it did glow together with those amazing fireworks but now, the same feeling left again. It did glow to disappear.
The glow is the glittering part of my life and the other one, on what word should I name it? It is the point that makes me a half person. Yes, life frustrates me sometimes.
Does appreciation have to enter only when these people very precious to you finally left you behind? When all the while they didn't realize how such love coming from you has been enduring all by itself for quite a long time only in silence. Silence which is to be accompanied by longing. And you, through holding on by learning the cycle and coping with the inner voice you have just lost would give you bitterness seeing that things might not be what they seem.
For me, a pinch of consciousness from someone would do. But does that entail tears to be brought to my eyes? I can't take it anymore.
Suddenly someone is always there ready to take me away from the stream of coldness. As we share each day like we will remember a perfect love story. The sickness of love I am letting go. The person? Maybe. I don't know yet. The hurting, sacrifice and pain somehow make each day quite restless. I shiver as the rain of tears touch my skin. It pours gradually that my body feels so fragile and again, at the point of breaking.
They say that romance only survives in novels. Now I remember the fireworks and how I felt that very time I witnessed it with the person I have feelings for. I'm done with the fireworks and with "that person"(probably).
I want to convince a person that I am romantic and try to find my luck. I am still the worried girl so afraid letting a single word come out from my mouth to crush someone's heart.
Monday, December 19, 2005
A Different Entry
I watched my sister's concert last night! She did well again. And I am so proud of her. I handled the camera to take a clip of her performance.
I can't find the right words to become attached to what I am feeling right now. Oh yes. I am happy. Maybe I'll leave you with few words from a song...
Because my inside is outside My right side's on the left side Cause I'm writing to reach you now but I might never reach you Only want to teach you About you But that's not you Do you know it's true But that won't do Maybe then tomorrow will be Monday And whatever's in my eye should go away But the radio keeps playing all the usual And what's a Wonderwall anyway Travis Writing to Reach You
Inner language and mirroring again.
Sorry for a short entry.