Technicolor Line: A New Episode

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Power of Goodbye

As I sat this afternoon for 2 hours, waiting for the "tagpuan", I wrote down words on my notebook as a reflection of this terrible pain I feel inside. Sometimes when you submit yourself into something, or to someone, you forget the real essence of your everyday actions. Everything goes very predictable already. And then when everything was put to an end, you'll miss it. You'll go helplessly committed and so into it already.

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I was wrong when I thought that I'd find relief after. Damn, it became more painful when I read those things I extracted from my mind and from the sudden rush of deep and poignant distress. I couldn't believe I'm struggling for this thing I once had in my life.. something I promised to keep more than I could and more than I should.

Now, I want something from someone but I know, shit, he wouldn't care to give it to me anymore. I'm desperate. I'm broke. It looks very simple but anger got its unplanned entrance. I get it from him 24/7. In my case, initially I felt the same way too but I do not want anger to rule my life. It shouldn't be my god. Therefore, I do not want such thing to poison my clean intention.

I cannot let go. I'm living with every memory and each day I usually find my mind wandering together with each scene and playing back all those "good" days. Now, he sees love died together with me. With courage I say "I'm sorry", and I say it not just to clean up the mess. I know it takes time... a lot of time. I cannot be merry after rather continue to heal this pain I feel the same way.

He will always be a loving part.. A fragment that narrates why I was born to live. Nothing will change. I had been selfish in the past and here I go.. Allow me to do this, not to pay for it, but to wipe out every single racking pain. I feel bitter for the product of such disturbing actions I made. I admit I was wrong but moving on, all of the time, it was me.

The love he gave to me satisfied me very much... It gave a very uplifting effect... How could I ever forget that? I do not know if I'll be able to move on and open doors for new love. I'm not yet open for such thing. I'm stuck in this drifting feelings I carry with me. I found a space.. Where I do not collide anymore together with him.

I want to treat the connection we had with honor and great respect. If ever I'll cross the moment when I will find staring into space and missing him, I'll send him kind and sweet words still. In this way, I can still show my love while at the same time, also protecting myself from his hurtful behavior. I'm not yet letting go... Will I do it? Maybe yes.. Maybe no. I can't answer yet. I'll use my past connection as an inspiration if ever I'll have a new love.

"Power of Goodbye" Madonna
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long

Walk away
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

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