Technicolor Line: A New Episode

NEW BLOG

2006-01-28T22:47:00.000+08:00

I HAVE A NEW BLOG!

http://tagpuan.blogspot.com

I WILL SEE YOU THERE.

Manny Pacquiao

2006-01-22T18:16:00.000+08:00

MANNY PACQUIAO,

isa kang PINOY na PANALO sa PUSO ko...

Target Inspection

2006-01-19T20:48:00.000+08:00

Francis Bacon, Advancement of Learning (bk. II) The sun, which passeth through pollutions and itself remains as pure as before.

Exams. Over. Breathe!

We caught Rumor Has It today. The movie talks about relationship and lays emphasis on marriage. At first, I thought it would assist me to get familiar on the bright side of being married and consider seeing myself one day with a man. Unfortunately, it failed. Right now the supremacy of my idea about marriage is so solid. The intensity of my explanation to voice that I don't agree with it is soaring.

After the movie, we parted ways. I stayed to drink a cup of coffee with a good friend; busy with a beneficial chat.

We thought of the senseless and remarkable memories that happened in the past of our lives. I value them no matter what. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am right now. My failures and frustrations are in charge to head me in life. I can't imagine myself anymore escaping from classes and not bothered being suspended for five days. The alarming part for me now is, get to do something that I fear each day, be devoted and willing to take consequences and possibilities.

I do make plans about the future. It feels good at first. But heading on to that direction, I swing my way. I feel like there is an indirect force-often more controlling. I don't want to cling with a weightless aim though. I hate to do something just because I am forced to put everything in there and realize in the end that it doesn't even equate to happiness which I seek to pursue.

We talked about the chaotic process of relationship. There are some circumstances which this world fails to notice that they exist. As for myself, I want a redeeming character. The transmission behind my encounter with dating is not temperate, I tell you. I give breathing space to men. I couldn't imagine myself taking care of a man and yes, you may call me selfish. I reflect and think about a lot of women like me. Who wouldn't love to be longed for or desired? Again, I don't make a sweeping statement. I hate it whenever a member of the opposite sex would control on the purity and vulnerability of young girls. Girls may have fragile hearts but in each of them, there is a powerful love which is not to be betrayed nor smashed even a bit.

It feels good to be around with good men. I am not a man hater. I set extreme dislike doing labels. One chapter in my life locates me in the position to distinguish the path I want and at the same time, could cross. I might need men to rescue me but not now or, never. I acknowledge them. They inspire me to feel good that I am a woman and not just that.

Off the topic: Watch Kontrobersyal tomorrow night on ABS-CBN! My aunt will be featured as she talks about biomedicine. Just see what's there.

Love Story?

2006-01-06T22:06:00.000+08:00

Robert Anthony Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy.

Today, I feel like I was someone raised from the dead. There is this man who constantly checks on me and some friends of mine often tell me that he might be a potential love. Please, I need time. I choose to stay in the level wherein loads of days are available for me to be free and just think about school and family. These are two things I somehow failed to focus my liking and attachment for many days.

If you wish to keep something very attractive and appealing, one thing still has to go into it. It is like putting money for a single chance or mere possibility. Gambling is when you lay bets and have faith in your own instinct.

I am sorry if I refuse to accept that I should stop talking about love, when at the present, I don't even have a love life. I am not talking about my dependence on such. I am actually trying to create in my mind all emotions involved on why someone holds on to one person and also, when he arrives at the point realizing that he must set free the best feeling ever.

I learned to let go.

Even the most genuine love can lock us up in chains. The thing here, the aspect of looking closer to ourselves is the key. With each moment we share with our significant other, the amount of time and affection given forms the supreme habit that seems unbreakable. As day comes to its end, we often forget an additional setting. The day has its night and of course, love has its goodbye.

Often I am teased that I am not the accurate Juliet for Romeo. I do not know what constitutes the fondness for love and the set of laws to follow. I would always say to them, I will choose to receive love whomever it may come from. Am I that hopeless romantic? Not at all. I just give value to the feeling the way I understand it.

But isn't it Romeo and Juliet are just two individuals made by Shakespeare's hands? We can't really tell that there is a personality close to Romeo's or Juliet's. This couple is a work of a genius and only a challenge to all of us.

Almost all people aspire for a proper love. But what makes it that way? Is it for a lover to think about it critically? Love for me is a doorway for responsibility and affection. It's not a breathing space to think whether it's right or wrong.

Twisted mind so as misshapen belief, someone said to me. Let me tell you, a feeling or a choice is not to be rationalized or analyzed according to its nature. I remember reading a book where I found the meaning of the word extramundane (the region beyond the material world). Tell me any field like science whatsoever to give full details about loving, but love goes beyond" human understanding". It only tells about one unseen place where the tenderness and sensitivity of one's heart live. When we love someone, we don't give lectures to our significant other, together follow the pattern as it should be. What we only give is our heart. We can only say that a feeling like love is familiar to us when we learn to accept its own way of arresting two used to be lone souls and make the connection wonderful.

Create an enhanced version of Shakespeare's or for a change, your own best work. Listen to your heart. In your own self, there you will find all answers on how you could make it possible.

*(Photo) I took around 7 in the morning today

the universe

2006-01-03T03:12:00.000+08:00

John Barrymore In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief.

It's past 3 in the morning. Earlier than this, we (with my sister) created a midnight festive. I was not hungry. I only tried to fill up what I know was really there. My stomach. Yes. Also, my plea for contentment and pleasure.

I could wish to get out from this crap but I can't. The sudden rush of my desire which is to write down my inner thoughts is finally here. Hopefully by now, I've caught your attention even for a short moment, then maybe, you're now thinking of clicking the x box at the upper right to move away from my fearful doubt in life. I don't mind. I "set you free".

Are you still with me? I say, thank you to you dear.

If you think I am insane or one hell problematic, come on, dare to choose any. You still do not challenge me. If you opt to pick up my broken statement, I give you every superhuman experience I had in the past.

There was a night when I told someone that I'd still want to hold on to something I sense to be capable of fulfilling and inspiring each day of my life. It has been a long maze for me to go through. I first "played" it but I didn't gain pride out of it. So I lived with it. Guess what, it offered me a feeling---something so real which I believe is only one of its kind.

I am just very frank now of who I am. If you want to really know me, be sincere, open and honest because those were the materials used for me to become like this. People started coming to me and opening up. Their secrets were transferred to me. Imagine that. Their secrets very parallel to each other (Oh, let me include mine also!) which I myself is the only one who can attest on their chance to be included in Guinness record. Just kidding. Seriously, that formulated me as a modern god. My power and influence to give somebody a ride on my journey to "human behavior". I live with these people no matter how far or near I may be.

BUT, at this very moment, my power is very exhausted. I can't feel what's here. I can't see what's there. Imagine the creation in madness. See myself asking for someone but don't know who to select among them.

"Pag-ibig ito pare at mare!" Yes. Another yes.

My problem. Long hell maze. I am not yet insane.

I desire the universe.

Off the topic:
I switched to HaloScan. Old comments are now gone. Please still feel free to let me know that you are here with me by commenting on my box. Thanks.

It's YEAR 2006!

2006-01-01T04:27:00.000+08:00

Each year that arrives, I would always love to spend my life with them.

NEMO'S SAND CASTLE

2005-12-30T21:28:00.000+08:00

"LOCK AWAY"

The leaves, from red to the brightest yellow

I shut my eyes

They are all gone

You, "sine qua non..."

without which there would be anything

"Memento more"

Remember you must die...

Amorphous state

Void, shapeless and has no form

What am I to you?

I am someone who can't be touched by anything that harms

Anthophormic god of desire

I surrender to him..

I swarm all addictions of a young love

Photo from: crazyclip.ws

Poem by: Yours truly, Ayie :D

Remembering someone and how my mercurial heart suffers deep longing and holding on to unwanted misery. The sand castle knows how to compromise with my feelings in an olympian manner.

an escape

2005-12-29T19:27:00.001+08:00

Nelson Mandela, Higher Than Hope (authorized biography) A good head and good heart are always a formidable combination. But when you add to that a literate tongue or pen, then you have something very special.

I am walking through the door living with my dreams. I am absolutely not a fan of "forever thing" but I have asked myself this: "What if saying goodbye can only mean being apart from each other forever?" Does that make my own self surrendering to forever whenever given the power to speak the g word inside my mind?

Forever's impact over me, so as pain causing extreme distress again.

It wasn't my plan to go home to Cavite yesterday. The drive takes 2-3 hours before I can finally reach my hometown. Since I can't say no to Renz (the birthday boy), I did it for him.

The very moment I found myself reaching Cavite, I realized that I am somewhere in the middle, between the final line of goodbye and the door to a handful source of tranquility. As I started to be away from city life's noise, I knew right there and then that I will be able to relax and indulge to many things the province has for me. My eye in vain had let go of remorse finally.

I got to see some old friends of mine (Glenn, Kit, Aeron) and met new people (Justin, Hild, etc..). Hilda, a gay, opened a lot of things about him. No longer the discreet or the bi-curious stage. He flashes his gayness by being a cross-dresser rather than gambling in a shaky connection with same sex romance. Queer as it is but the open secret made me so conscious about it and amazed me.

1929 musical Bitter Sweet by Noel Coward Green Carnation, 1890s dandies sing:

Pretty boys, witty boys, You may sneer
At our disintegration.
Haughty boys, naughty boys,
Dear, dear, dear!
Swooning with affectation...
And as we are the reason
For the "Nineties" being gay,
We all wear a green carnation.

..some photos:

with Rendi

with SJ and Rendi

with Mitchie

I've got more things to say but my body's all screwed up (again). I need to recharge.

The Big Season

2005-12-25T22:59:00.000+08:00

E.V. Lucas One of the most adventurous things left us is to go to bed. For no one can lay a hand on our dreams.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

(NEW DIARY NOTEBOOK) a gift I bought yesterday for myself

I felt the spirit of Christmas the moment the ticking of the clock was about to arrive at 12 midnight. Christ's day. It is the special day to construct words for a prayer intended to the Son.

I am very pleased for the presents that I've got. I do not say that they all are the concrete ones. The temperate affection from everyone is something that makes me go fanatical about this season.

I remember what I learned from Literature class that a man completes a woman. Female and woman. Without the male and man, fe and wo are what we are destined to; a very opaque portion of link. I was so impressed how a guy took the wind out of my sails. To begin with, he makes me feel that I am a woman. If I should put an end to my story, I do not want to dig up more from the matter. Not a huge one actually, only out of ordinary for a person like me.

I spent this special day with my family. My dad who has a great contribution to the essence of our bonding is home. We used to celebrate Christmas by starting the day with a mass, going to the mall and watching 2-3 movies (entries to MMFF). Too bad, we didn't have any pick today. We visited the church, ate out and shopped together.

Off the topic: The day is coming to its end. To "that person", I want to say I am sorry if there's a need for me to turn my phone off. Have a good rest.

the game seeks for us

2005-12-23T20:45:00.000+08:00

Gerald J. Simmons We don't live in a world of reality, we live in a world of perceptions

It's all over. I quit without expecting to succeed at all. I know when to withdraw myself and to be not damn fool about something I know isn't for me. I see a smile on my face now and that's the thing to be awarded with my unending attention.

I am in love with "love" and from the person who gives it to me without delay. I should never be sorry if Beauty haunts me with her alluring nature; often persuasive over me. I see it to be a fortunate accident but there's more truth than what my mind can ever say.

It's quite distressing to think that there is great detachment when you feel like you lost someone you never really had. Weird, noh? When someone goes "gaga" with it. Someone just shared that to me. I understand though. It can never go wrong when we are in control with our feelings. I mean, let's not drown in fear. Why not continue to row and give all the effort to love. You'll never miss happiness and that is for sure.

Last night @ Manila Yacht Club

Today's photos (after my sister's guesting):

I am here and you are there

2005-12-21T11:48:00.000+08:00

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out,but when the darkness sets in,their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

I woke up very early yesterday. I decided to go to the salon to have my hair cut. I wanted a new hairstyle. When I arrived at the salon, I would have to wait for 3 more persons finish their business there. So I decided to go to Rustan's and bought some stuff. I then moved to another place to find a salon. Finally! I asked them to dye my hair light brown and create a new style also. It turned out to be good.

It was never my plan attending our school's "Paskuhan" but my friend somehow insisted me to go there. It is an event that caters students to a lot of presentations for them to be able to feel the real spirit of Christmas and of course, celebrate it with the company they love to be with. Eventhough I haven't reached the end part of the event, the highlight of it for me was the much-awaited fireworks by everyone. The firework display was so damn fantastico! After that, we moved to Rockwell, then to Greenbelt and found ourselves eating at Via Mares. I started playing the video I took.

Glow and then disappear. The display took about 10 minutes (I think) or even more. I got a video of it with my inner thought that it can be a cruel thing to do for I may not be able to engage in the magic. Awww. "The drama is coming to its end," I told myself. Few minutes of video clipping. I went back slowly as I watch them glow and disappear again. I thought about what I actually felt that very moment; my heart softened. Maybe it did glow together with those amazing fireworks but now, the same feeling left again. It did glow to disappear.

The glow is the glittering part of my life and the other one, on what word should I name it? It is the point that makes me a half person. Yes, life frustrates me sometimes.

Does appreciation have to enter only when these people very precious to you finally left you behind? When all the while they didn't realize how such love coming from you has been enduring all by itself for quite a long time only in silence. Silence which is to be accompanied by longing. And you, through holding on by learning the cycle and coping with the inner voice you have just lost would give you bitterness seeing that things might not be what they seem.

For me, a pinch of consciousness from someone would do. But does that entail tears to be brought to my eyes? I can't take it anymore.

Suddenly someone is always there ready to take me away from the stream of coldness. As we share each day like we will remember a perfect love story. The sickness of love I am letting go. The person? Maybe. I don't know yet. The hurting, sacrifice and pain somehow make each day quite restless. I shiver as the rain of tears touch my skin. It pours gradually that my body feels so fragile and again, at the point of breaking.

They say that romance only survives in novels. Now I remember the fireworks and how I felt that very time I witnessed it with the person I have feelings for. I'm done with the fireworks and with "that person"(probably).

I want to convince a person that I am romantic and try to find my luck. I am still the worried girl so afraid letting a single word come out from my mouth to crush someone's heart.

A Different Entry

2005-12-19T00:01:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Jen, Sheer, Xtel (my sister) and Ivor

I watched my sister's concert last night! She did well again. And I am so proud of her. I handled the camera to take a clip of her performance.

I can't find the right words to become attached to what I am feeling right now. Oh yes. I am happy. Maybe I'll leave you with few words from a song...

Because my inside is outside My right side's on the left side Cause I'm writing to reach you now but I might never reach you Only want to teach you About you But that's not you Do you know it's true But that won't do Maybe then tomorrow will be Monday And whatever's in my eye should go away But the radio keeps playing all the usual And what's a Wonderwall anyway Travis Writing to Reach You

Inner language and mirroring again.

Sorry for a short entry.

Love,
Scared

Meeting Kuya Bay

2005-12-08T08:02:00.000+08:00

Kahlil Gibran You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give

From the College of Arts and Letters, some of us first year students went to New Bilibid Prison in Muntinlupa City last Tuesday for our exposure trip in Sociology class. The day patterned the promise I told myself. I won't let my own life be unlived.

I've been thinking for quite a long time the right organization I can engage in. One reason that it will matter a lot to me if I become present at the lives of these people who really need me. And, to develop a wonderful connection with them and arrive at the worthy part of them realizing that they have obtained their hope through me.

"My name is Edgardo," my inmate said. I prefer his nickname more which is Bay. Specific questions came out from my mouth as my fear that nervousness can limit the lengthening of my interaction with him. Something happened. The stillness of his face and the calmness on his eyes moved the unnatural state of mine. The power of love resulted to awareness and strength. I found myself ready to listen on his sentiments.

He then narrated what happened the night he had committed the crime. My heart swayed with his story that caused discomfort around my chest. Yes for me, he is a good man. I have determination upon believing my judgment. I won't be needing strong faith to support my statement, for faith alone can do a deal with what I consider to be true.

As our conversation extended, he told me how his life went like when he wasn't in jail yet. He revealed to me memories concerning his wife and two very young daughters of him.

Two very young daughters-a signal for profundity. Two very young daughters visualized on my memory the face of my own father and the early days my sister and I shared with him. Two very young daughters helped me recall each tear that dropped from my father's eyes during times he had to leave the country for work. Two very young daughters recollected each attempt of escape I had in the past wherein every time I would utter goodbye to my father at the airport, I would quickly walk toward our car to hide aching tears on my eyes that can expose the fragile part of mine. Tears caused a blurry vision but never did they wash away hope in me.

Grey hair may have already appeared on my father's head to declare that time has been consumed. Now, we are no longer young daughters. We've turned out to be ladies brought up with values instilled on us. Nothing has changed, only that there are added extras. More inspiring and moving experiences teach us on how we are to live now.

Me: Huwag na po kayo malungkot, pwede niyo po ako maging anak. Kaso, kunwari yung lumaki niyo ng anak na babae.

Kuya Bay: Salamat. Yung mata mo, tinitingan ko pa lang, Ayie, alam ko mabait ka.

Mag-aral kang mabuti. Sobrang maasikaso ka sa akin kahit ganyan ang estado niyo. Hindi ka ba natatakot?

Me: Alam niyo, kung paano mo daw itrato ang mas nakabababa sa'yo nakikita ang tunay na pagkatao ng tao. Kung nandyan kayo ngayon, makakaasa kayo, ipagdadasal ko kayo.

Kuya Bay: Simula nung Abril hindi na sila bumusita ulit. Nagdadasal pa rin ako gabi-gabi. Sa ngayon, eto yung dasal na alam ko, pinakinggan. Salamat, andyan ka.

I again witnessed tears from a (powerfully built) father's eyes.

Whenever a person talks to me seriously, saying my name Ayie makes my heart to become softer. He said it. The conversation turned to be in a sincere manner. When he told me that I am the answered prayer from God, it somehow resolved my longing and hunger in life.

He brushed those tears and went on eating the chicken joy I gave him for lunch. Now, he may be working for the photo frame he promised to give me as his present for me someday.

An experience no matter how cruel could make us great.

People in Bilibid also prepared great perfomances for us. They showed power through singing, dancing and acting. We students also arranged ourselves and likewise, each class must give an incredible presentation. Before our blockmate Yohann (with the amazing voice) sang, I played the drums together with my blockmate A. He was on the keyboard. We did the "instrumental" version of the song Rainbow by Southborder. A is a gifted boy, to tell you all. I haven't been playing the drums for quite a long time since my drumset is in Cavite. Maybe it's the sudden rush of enthusiasm and yes, my extreme longing to play again that set my mood to actually play and forget all worried feelings. I used my style to bring the instrument into its life. The crowd was good and I'm thankful for that.

Singer, Dish and Movie

2005-12-03T21:30:00.000+08:00

Winston Churchill To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day.

I woke up at 11:00 AM with a wild headache. I found myself sleeping at somebody else's place. I wanted more sleep but I couldn't. I should be home before 2 PM for me to be able to come with my familia in my sister's mall show at Robinsons Pioneer.

My sister sang "I Turn To You" and "Dirrty"; both Christina Aguilera songs. She looked very beautiful and gave the audience a stunning performance. Every so often, I let my friends hear a sound clip of her song. Earlier, I've just recorded a video clip of her perfomance. That's a fantastic and extraordinary thing everyone would love to see. I turned to be a very proud sister.

Over and over again, I can't refuse to give in to every mouth-watering dish my mom cooks. She is an outstanding cook, I tell you. Yesterday, I thought of cooking a pasta. Jella came with me to the Supermarket and together we bought its ingredients.

As I've reached home, immediately, I cooked the pasta. Tough work for me. It was my very first time to actually cook and let somebody else review the taste critically. The process became nerve-racking.

I am so glad that the first person I chose to have it as a meal went satisfied with my pasta's taste and convinced me that I was able to prepare a good meal. When we let other people taste it without the initial information that I cooked it showed their sense of taste pleased.

I caught the award-winning movie "Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros" last night. I highly rate the movie for it touched me in a brilliant way. It is about a gay boy named Maxi. With a juvenile heart and confused mind yet very dedicated and dutiful to his father and two old brothers.

His day can't be brought to an end without him performing duties a plain housewife does. The genuine love Maxi gives them shifted to the rise of their complete acceptance to this gay boy. They even treat him as a young virgin woman.

Living with his family in a heavily populated area in Manila, his brothers and father can't agree to any alternative for their survival other than executing criminal actions. This lead to Maxi's encounter with his handsome policeman Victor.

The movie isn't just about the pain of love not being requited but also how to be the commander in choosing between imperfect yet caring and affectionate family over the tricky potential love as one's own self being the channel in the middle.

Dealing With Someone

2005-11-30T18:41:00.000+08:00

Madonna "Beautiful ~~Girl~~Stranger (Thanks JP!)" I have a taste for danger
If I'm smart then I'll run away
But I'm not so I guess I'll stay Heaven forbid
I take my chance on a beautiful stranger I looked into your eyes
And my world came tumbling down You're the devil in disguise
That's why I'm singing this song To know you is to love you
You're everywhere I go And everybody knows
To love you is to be part of you I head for you with tears
And swallow all my pride...

I recall one disheartening event in my life when I was 11. I parked myself at our backyard. There, I held a photo of a guy, who actually motivated and inspired me in school. There wasn't obsession which was contained by my heart. I'd rather utter that a pinch of enjoyment and admiration would often smack me by our shared moments during that time. I can't commit to my own memory right now to exactly recollect other things that have happened next. The only amusing thing to me this particular time is, how I managed to let his photo be eaten by fire. To revenge myself and forget, I did it.

Recently, I've told someone that there was this plan of mine last October 19, the day of my birth, to set free some concrete proof of my past. One would be, throwing pictures I no longer want to bear in mind. To learn them by heart will be the only thing I intend to do. Strange isn't it? I said to her, a principle ordains me to have faith in my mind for these events. There can be no confidence though. For all we know, time can go in and erase noted memoirs. We can't be sure about the ability and potential of the memory to remember everything, right?

Putting things together, I formulated a somehow well-built insight. Ever since, I knew how to assist myself in any time of difficulty. I hold in my arms something I'd want to keep but when it chooses to depart, I allow it to go. I learn things by heart. I don't look for something I can possess and have power over, but rather, I let things happen to occupy any part of my heart. If they know the meaning of letting go, poor me, I don't know. But every act they've done to me, no matter how bad-mannered they've turned out to be, I'll never learn to release them. I'd love them for giving me a mouthful source of hope and determination for future choices.

One reason again why I'd often tell people close to me that I can't have the guts to face someone and try to make an impression. Some have told me that I'm picky when it comes to "making friends", but I don't like friendship anymore. Things I want now aren't only closeness and companionship. I feel affection for the thing which is love. Loving not a friend but several people. A small number I know, but I want to love these people freely in a very comfortable way. A half-done form of care and love can't be care and love. That's what I think. A half kind of emotion isn't powerful at all. I am very happy that deep within my heart, I have met them and still, my room isn't closed yet for more.

Just some time this afternoon, I found myself having a good light conversation with a person. I opened up why sometimes it is my choice to be detached from some people. Not that I don't like them, but liberating any form of sentiment or emotion to them is like giving a part of my character. When I look at someone I treasure, I want the person to be considerate and aware of the amount of affection I give. Only for a few, but look into my eyes, what I give is real. If you grant it to everyone, there can be a puzzling form of ideal essence.

I am so inspired nowadays. I'm learning how to regulate a day. I've never forgotten how my highschool days went like, when most of the time I'll find myself cramming for an exam. An e-mail from my dad inspired me when he told me that it's only a matter of 3 1/2 years and it's all over. Thanks, now I am stirred.

I now challenge this quote, "Nobody dies a virgin. Life fucks everybody."

2005-11-26T21:12:00.000+08:00

FUCK THIS WORLD. Don't be afraid, I am here. I may not know the meaning attached but whenever I give away these words, they are the from the first part of my soul. The spell is composed of my young and determined heart.

I imagine the days we cried and wonder if we were able to kill them. Then we have to hide, in the still of the night, share a cup of cappuccino. Is it Starbucks? Nonetheless, it is for the reason that we are together. We can be mixed to blend well and encounter a moderately good breathing after a distressing moment.

Not those cylinder cigarettes. Not those commercial buildings. Not those curved hoods of cars. This is just between you and me. Fuck this world, I say again. You must be cognizant of the fact that people all fuck with life. Nobody can ever die a virgin. Life fucks us all. Deprivation, suffering and sorrow couldn't be be painless. Yet a fuck blessed with an uncontaminated love makes all handled moments authentic. Turn to me. Not to the world.

We are wishing on the same star. It has been a long time that we've been together. Under a pale sky, most of the time your heart becomes restless. I'd want to hate it but whenever faith appears along the wire, it revives our love. I don't need firm assurance. In the darkness, the pain I've caused you will shut its eyes and whisper a heartfelt prayer.

Reach for this 100th moment I give you. My embrace and kiss will let you fly with me until we arrive at the point where glowing and spirited love welcomes us both. No more heartaches. No more tears. No more sleepless nights. And there, you'll find me with you. I am a believer. And I know, you are also.

My Mom Has A Pure Love

2005-11-23T01:23:00.000+08:00

Fear is the killer, I shouldn't be killed. Not now. No way.

A lot of things are on my mind. It's hard when I find myself doing things backward then switching to frontward and then, back again. I can't detect precisely where I should lodge. The main reason why I am writing here at this time while sitting on my bed. I feel alone and I think I require a state like this to release the inflexible feeling I keep in my chest whenever I face people.

If only life isn't hard for me now. If only problems are tangible materials that I can get over from easily just by setting them on fire. If only I can choose to let them go when they still have to rest in my heart. I can't do anything. I love my mother and that's the reason why I feel like this.

I know she'll never get to read this. Witnessing tears running down her eyes, I get the message right away. During such moment like last night, an I love you from me can't be enough. I want to fool myself that she's okay but tears from my eyes can't accept a lie. They occupy my heart. I fight for a love I offer for my mom which I believe is mighty. A smile from her allows me to make faith in change; sudden change that one day I will no longer see her sorrow that destroys us both.

Mom, I am still here, not giving up for one reason that I live with the words you said to me even when I was young. I am still here, figuring out how can I be able to form the dreams we've been having for years. I am still here, that no matter how rebelious I am for some people, the fact that you know me can set negative views right away. Yes, I am still here. Still the same daughter who can cry or laugh with you. Your daughter whom you usually say, "Don't think about me anymore... I'll be okay." I am here... Never changed. I am still here, crying with you without you knowing at all.

Off the topic: I finished a conversation with someone at a coffee shop yesterday afternoon with a not fully formed intention which was just to walk out. The thing here is, I'd love to help people. But always remember that it's your own life. To recover from any form of difficulty by helping your own self and finding out on which way is the best thing to do.

Now, I am really happy that the person finally listened.

I know, things will work fine. I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired. Must be because that I am on a low-carb diet. Lately, I've been trying to end it. I want to take care of my own self in a different way. It will be tight but I am definitely looking forward to seeing that day.

I don't know what to call this.. just read..

2005-11-17T21:49:00.000+08:00

Today, I woke up with my heart clouded by fear. I'll be over it. I'm recovering self-esteem. I'll be using my mind to guide me through pain. I spoke to God. I know He is with me. I'm willing to trust people around me again. I feel vulnerable but I want to face the thing I fear which is pain and act stronger than it. There is no other choice for me than to let go. So, I will.

No more self-uncertainty. And if I am to suffer, it's my own way of accepting it. It's better to feel pain, manipulate it then soon enough, embrace it for me to become someone whom I'd love.

Thank you to those people who've been there for me. You guys made me realize that I can still smile. My true identity called me. I still stay true and I'll always be. Thank you for accepting me and feeling even a small part of my pain.

I'll never forget this day. Thanks.

Tomorrow, I'll smile. I'll heal my pain. I'll smile.

Coffee made this day end. The belgian waffle and frappe blended with my heartache. Aww. Inspiration was there at the coffee shop but totally at the wrong time. The person stared at me, I did the same thing. My second time of seeing the person. I knew it once again. We know our labels. I'm a fan of beauty. Thanks to you, people like us want to explore and more of it. Love is just to love, right? Good point of you.

But I don't know when I'm coming back. Starbucks chilled my heart. Enough thing. I still need to work for my heart to function once again. I feel like I lost it. I'm attached with former good memories and still loving it.

When can I learn to move on? Is too long really long? I don't know.

Smile with me people. :) I'll face and stay strong for potential disapproval of some people.

Tears Running Down My Face

2005-11-17T00:42:00.000+08:00

I am in an irremediable height of pain. In this melodramatic space, thoughts of you crush my heart. I can no longer speak. The brave seed of desire was beclouded by shamefulness.

I am young. When you came into my life, something so profound. So to speak, you've changed everything in me. Seems like I could never even imagine how I was like before. You taught me that there is a much greater emotion than courage, it is "love". I learned that I should be open to finding love whomever it may come from. Remember the day I told you, that I believe that it will be the best thing to be able to tell the world who I am loving passionately. I did it with you. Do you remember that?

Will you learn to forgive me? For the 13th time.

But now, I won't say to you that I am sorry to make this one different.

Goodbye then maybe? Possible but difficult.

13 seems a not so good number, right?

Definitely.

I do not love you.
I do not love you.
I do not love you.

It will hurt me more knowing what the truth really is.

I am sorry. I've said it finally.

Maybe I can make this one different by really meaning it, and you believing me.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

Yes, truth hurts.

The Celebration

2005-10-26T19:33:00.000+08:00

I threw a good post-birthday celebration last night with my close friends at Grilla Bar & Grill. The place was appealing and beautiful. We exchanged stories about the new things that have happened into our lives. It feels so great connecting with old friends. Most of us grew up in Cavite---something we all shared. Creative imagination when we were children back then made a lasting friendship thing known to us. Until now, we all have stayed friends. Very good friends. Must be because of our wholehearted approval to devote and commit with each other and our sincerity and passion to travel as one and transcend even from the outside limit of life.

Our high spirits didn't miss to create laughs. Beer day! Drinking doesn't necessarily mean having the need to get drunk. Moderation will always be there. It's needed to run and enhance through the mixing of thoughts. Get to share with each other big time laughs as much as a spoon could ever hand.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Aila, Aiza, Hannah, Len, Ria, Kai, Joan, Chinky, Av, Mae, Jeni, Lini, Cha

Tired Eyes

2005-10-24T21:28:00.000+08:00

It was a lazy afternoon. It brought tears into my eyes and quiet hatred in my heart. I want to show more consistency to my parents. I have neither lived up to their expectations nor did great things to impress them. There was a long silence after my conversation with my mom.

I've learned to forgive once again. Regardless of the fact that I can't cope up anymore. Secrets perturbed me and everything fell apart not until....

I divulged it.

She rested her conclusion on that fact. "Damn the world," I said to myself. I took a nap to somehow embrace mental tranquility. After a few minutes, my mom woke me up. We had to go out.

When we had arrived at the mall, my mom and I parted ways. I went to a store and looked for a necklace. While I was so engaged finding the perfect chain, a strikingly beautiful woman got my attention. It became unnerving for us who were all there to handle.

Her dark hair fell to her shoulders, her bright blue eyes charmed with their unchanging glow, and her sexy figure matched perfectly with her golden brown skin, enough for some women to be envious.

Self-depreciation ensnared me. It wasn't the only feeling though. I knew it. She was the copywriter. I've met her before. I damn even know a lot of things about her which she'll never admit to her lover and even to her closest friends.

That foreign woman and unknown things about her.

I told the saleslady the chain I've chosen and tried to checkout for more. I consciously looked at that foreign woman right beside me. She caught my cramped stare. She smiled. Pause. On purpose she swayed her bag toward my butt. Pause. I gave her my puzzled look. She smiled her message. The saleslady asked for her choice. With her provocative accent, she told me, "Got no peso."

I didn't know what to say. My alarmed heart must have escaped from my chest if I didn't manage to say, "Ummm... But that one looks perfect on you."

Uneasy silence.

The saleslady called me with the necklace on her hand. We both headed toward the cashier.

Damn the world---I said for the second time.

Hopeful Messenger

2005-10-22T23:55:00.000+08:00

I've turned off my cellular phone. I now postpone the dynamism of my freedom. Someone else's freedom has just started. I hold my chest. I agree.

There is no nostalgia. He will always think that I'm so-hooked-can't-seem-to-get-over regarding my past connection. But, I am not. I run to a friend whenever I'm at the point of breaking. As I hear every word, consuming will be hard. It can take more than half of my energy. Helping my own self is the best thing to do. I listen to my inner call. In no time, I have moved on.

Transient world of love. It will endure but only for a short time. I'm not a fan of it. I'm only a victim. No matter how vague it is, I put meaning. Sorry, but yes, up until now. I say to you:

The reason why I learned to love "you", like this.
My love has never been just.
You came for a drastic change.

End of that topic. I love it when people come to me. A close friend, a not so close friend or even a stranger can try searching for me. Eventhough I'm not convinced that I'm the best person to ask an advice from or to be confessed with a big secret, I try transforming myself into a valiant doctor of things. Funny, noh?

A new experience was shared to me by a friend this morning. Alcohol can really cause intemperate rage for one person to enter lust's proclamation. She isn't the first person who opened up such thing to me. Likewise, I wish for her safety. I don't want any of my friends to suffer depressing consequences.

I'm a good listener and adviser, as I've been told by some. I'd love to believe that. Maybe it's my acceptance of reality. My respect for my own belief will remain strong as ever. I adore liberal, complicated and crazy people. They've got so many things to say. They are careless but fearless. The thing I like about them most.

I'll find it more comfortable exchanging opinions with conspicuously unintelligent but well experienced individuals. They arise from natural growth. I do not say that I give rude remarks for those people who would rather choose to play safe. There's disagreement between me and "artificial choice" (I don't know what came to my mind for the pairing of these two words! Hah!). Artificial choice is a product of violent thoughts on the natural tendencies and nature of man. A model is to make an order, nothing more. Some try to outrage original sense of things when for them it turns out to be impure. I do not think there can be absolute perfection. So why trust the pattern that much? Which was established and brought up actually by "men ".

Off the topic:
My counter reached 20,000+? I don't know who are these people who find my blog interesting. I wonder. I know some who go here once in a while and there was even one person who told me that he visits my site almost everyday. But where are you people? Haha. As you read right now, I hope you feel my appreciation at the same time. Cheerio.

3 Things

2005-10-21T19:30:00.000+08:00

1. Money
2. Vanity
3. Player no more

I met someone at Gateway today to get some things from her. A bit tiring going back here all the way from Cubao. As I had reached Taft, I thought of going to St.Scho. I went to the Alumnae Office to get my membership card.

It has been a long time that I have been spending money for moments. Whenever I go out, it's the fun that excites me. Conversation with people is something that makes me move on into another set of series in life. Succession is an important thing for me. I will always love to be free from the ridges this life can give me.

I've cultivated a lot of treasured moments with someone and also, with good friends. Those aren't yet enough and of course, I'll always be on the go. But now, I want to center more and set the unclouded bunch of desire to other things that are in need of my attention. I'll go shopping for clothes next week.

How we sway together with happiness vary. The circulation goes together with how we try to conceal some things in us all together to transform and get to meet somehow the kind of attention we want from others. Investment is the term my sister will often use for purchasing things for a high price. I have come to partly get to know her kind of lifestyle. So whether she purchases things that are priced excessively high, acceptance must not be a choice I'm ought to give, but rather, respect.

So to speak, I still can't imagine finding myself like my sister buying a set of regular shirts each for a price of PHP2000. I'm eager to gain confidence even for a simple one but bought out of a reasonable price and a known signature out of a chanced delight but is still entitled for durability sake. As a college student like her, there are 3 things that I had wanted and apparently, my dad provided me. Laptop, cellphone with camera and drum set are enough for me to be satisfied. The 4th thing I want for myself to have is a car. I'll leave that without a check mark for I'd definitely would want to be the one who'll release natural energy through working. Someday, I'll be able to do that.

***

I offer myself to vanity at this point. It can be healthy once in a while. Summer 2005 for my advantage created a new me. The point when I started distinguishing my wants from my needs. The time I proposed my inner thoughts to Beauty, she promised to commit herself fully to me. I believe that God made us and it's not bad if we try to impress him. As I look at the mirror, not just merely trying to figure out or rather trace the image that has been reflected can't be a deep feeling for me. Attraction between the two with gloss of attachment and appreciation is the best thing to fall in.

***

Can a person be free when he is enchained by other people's opinion?

I guess, yes. Listen, process and recognize or... move away. There are things waiting to be uncovered every single minute.

The power of choice doesn't last so as happiness only if we are able to use the amount of time given to make something out of ourselves. We can go searching for things from one place to another which makes us "removable frames". But for smudges we created, like a stain on one's honor can impose his heart with bitterness. It's how people misinterpret that creates a depthless and shallow persepective. Lack of courage can dismiss the access to a larger extension just because of the need to be proper. Things will find many ways to let go of us but only we can prove how each move pays for a character worthy to hold on for.

I can lie or even cheat for the people I love. If I must sacrifice my own personhood and there's a thought of immorality from other people, what is that big thing they get from it? I don't want selfishness creeping in. If doing things out of love, there can be a possible fall but learning isn't out of reach. It's very attainable.

Knowing is an easy part for a process to pursue but believing often can snap out easily. Put faith above everything else. I put faith to the man right beside me. I no longer want to play games with "other people". I now stop being (a player) afraid to commit and my refusal to let go of the fun. I want to indulge. I want to be picky. I want a promising thing. At the end, I might be a lone soul by then. Still, you should see me as a strong-willed (Aila, I'll never forget that you used this word to describe me years ago) and determined "survivor".

Let me continue my love for a thing I know worthy of a try.

My Birthday

2005-10-19T23:51:00.000+08:00

See you all on the 25th! We gonna have fun together. I love all of you!

IT Searches For Me

2005-10-16T16:32:00.000+08:00

Take No Fight
Not the outward appearance
The manner be short of sense
Rising rebellion’s aim
Not beyond pain itself
Only how the arrest conceal
Even a pang of grief

Not your positive response
Only your effort to embark on
My undemanding emblem of desolation

Lay your hands once more
Give Sorry’s one-sided justice
You’d throw me outside the yard of ache
Let me fly yet I lose even a single tear of my character

My lone soul left without any scar
But it hurts more than a fresh wound

Are you Dimness who makes tainted things hidden
Yet felt consuming splendid room for hope
Or
Are you there
Because you just have to subsist

I
Demand not to see

I
End my thoughts of you through this

Done, yes I am for the last note of my breath

***

A second post for today. I just felt the need to share that poem which I made earlier. I don't have to lower myself just to please anyone. You asked me what seems to be wrong. Straightforward you heard my words but not together with the feelings attached to them.

Chimes of Security

2005-10-16T03:33:00.000+08:00

Is there hope for me? The madness is back. I love it when I smile often.

Yesterday was my sister's mall show for Center For Pop Music at SM Mega Mall. I haven't seen her performing live and I only get to hear comments from our mother. So what would you expect? She sang Christina Aguilera's song "Come On Over". From what I saw, in a delighted state I say, I'm proud of her. She was able to sing the "message of music" for everyone. She projected her voice with energy. Everything was in harmony and gave enjoyment to all of us who were there.

I tried slowing down each scenario. Eventhough there was this lesbian woman whom I messed up with at the restaurant because of her offhand excuses regarding the table and how she immediately got my response of making "taray", with my dad, mom, sister, lola and some friends who came over, they unconsciously assigned the activeness of this smile I wear until now. Our former maid Yaya Olet was also present. She will always be the best maid ever! It wasn't a surprise that she still knows how to make my heart gentle.

Heart. Currently, it makes me think. Now, I'm gonna write about it. I hate it. I was diagnosed last summer for having mitral valve prolapse (one or both valve flaps are enlarged, and some of their supporting "strings" may be too long,-from this site). The feeling of getting irregular heart beats, chest pain, headaches, shortness of breath, panic attacks and all other things people with healthy hearts don't experience kills me as well as my patience. My doctor asked me to come back for medication but I refused. Alternatives to medication can alleviate the symptoms. Changing my lifestyle can help a lot.

FACTORS THAT CAN INCREASE THE INTENSITY OR FREQUENCY OF MVPS SYMPTOMS:
(from this site)

•Emotional stress
•Excessive fatigue
•Unaccustomed physical activity
•Being anxious or nervous
•Caffeine
•Medicines with stimulants
•Sweets
•Being in a hot, dry environment
•Dehydration
•Flu, cold, or other illnesses
•Lack of sleep
•Alcohol
•Smoking
•Skipping meals
•Rushing around
•Lying on the left or right side
•Menses
•Menopause

What do you expect now? To those people who actually know me... I think I should really work hard for this, noh?

Body and Heart

2005-10-14T08:15:00.000+08:00

My body feels so restless. I fail in the adequate time one should allot for sleeping. Ahah... But I still manage to continue the process of being on a diet. My mind has been conducting willpower over my body for about 4 weeks already. I have to set an eager attention for my intent to be obtainable. When you work hard for a thing you definitely like to have and offer your dedication, it can never be out of your reach. I lost 2 lbs.

I have found myself arguing with other people regarding this matter. One would be my mom and even some friends of mine. They actually get inquisitive why I do such when they don't find me fat at all. You might find this an excessive way for me to get attention from others, but hey, no! Basically, all I want is to feel good and be able to take care of my body the best way I know.

I confined myself in isolation yesterday. My parents went home to Cavite and my sister had her practice for her mall show tomorrow. I was left alone without a motive to go out. Renz wanted to come over but I told him that maybe we can do that some other time. Sembreak isn't an advantage for me. I am able to go out more often even at night, 3-4 days a week during schooldays.

This is me at our pad, alone and appreciating a pitch-black sky..I tried to befriend it.

As I have told someone, I am very vulnerable at this point. This must be because some problems shook my head. Anyway, I will paraphrase my conversation with a friend of mine through Yahoo!.

Me: I want to let you know that you inspire me ceaselessly to struggle for higher things in life. Everything you say is remarkable. I feel so close to you already. I look at your psyche with admiration. I don't know if divulging my problem to you will leave me with a disfavor from you. I'm very sorry. It's just that I am very cognizant that you can help me out. (I stated my problem after..)

Friend: I don't know if I'd be the best person to ask regarding this situation. But since you asked, I'll do my best to try and help.

Me: There always comes a feeling of joyfulness whenever I do it. Is that wrong? I love meeting people. I love it when I show them what I feel inside. I tell someone how I see him. I display to him his worth by treating him nicely. I find it hard when some will find my act leading in a mistaken belief. Should I restrain myself from it for one reason that somebody else holds the complete access in my life?

Friend: You should consider why you are in the relationship. If you can't stop yourself, maybe you should ask yourself how important your relationship is. But if it's harmless thing; yung usap-usap lang andstuff like that; I see nothing wrong with it. Okay lang naman eh; as long as you are honest to that person and to your partner. Pero, the problem is, medyo nahihirapan na yung partner mo to trust you.

Me: Everything between us (with my partner) is extraordinarily good...even magical. Nothing can ever beat that. We can easily let our love move.

Friend: There's nothing wrong with wanting to meet people but I think maybe you take it too far and it's hurting someone -- someone whom you have feelings for.

Me: Such fact leaves me in a culpable stage.

Friend: It's up to you and know to figure out what's more significant to you. Put that first. That's what I think... I hope that helps somehow...

Me: Thank you very much. Take care of yourself. Cheers. :D

I am in a state of longing. I have realized that an experience with infatuation will only take for a short time, but true love takes time. Compatibility first before commitment. Someone should take me as I am for I definitely can provide his needs, but not all of them. Thus, he should be mindful of that.

Love that comes very natural is very captivating for me. Let's not stick with the rules and let our actions turn out in a form of habit which in time can't grant us complete happiness.

But, I really do miss you.

My Life's Kicks

2005-10-13T02:05:00.000+08:00

Yes, first sem is finally over. I can now set an ample time for relaxation after a few days of hardwork. Yesterday at the mall was fun. Actually, I craftily arranged the thin consistency of such moment. I caught it. I got to realize that it is something worth to hold on, regard highly and of course, be loved so much.

How we managed our conversation with each other was surpassingly good. It was like yes, dealing with the present and at the same time, with the past. There can never be a sense of loss or a regretful heart in my part for the things I had made. I will call everything as a fragment of my adventure. My character as a person can narrate everything.

Now, all I want is to be open, honest and... free.

A notebook of mine threw me. I always want to utter my thoughts in a voiceless manner. But yes, change gave me the essence and justified things for me..

Something I wrote on the notebook... All I wanted before was to grant you an access to my loving and self-forgetting heart but you rarely noticed that. You have spent too much time rejecting rather than embracing me the way I am. The act of compelling together with your so-called loving psyche caused my heart to ache. I can no longer stay just for a half-love which once again lost its qualifications to be one.. And so on...blah blah blah...

There comes a product of protection from discomfort whenever someone will tell me words which I believe are better left unsaid. Again, I don't want to be stagnant. A chained ground will restrain me from allowing bouyancy to be a part of my being. I want to enjoy my freedom, to grow and the best part which is to change.

For me, dinner at Macapagal last night made the birthday celebration of my sister festive just for one reason that we were complete in our family.

For A Friend

2005-10-02T08:55:00.000+08:00

Misty

2005-10-01T23:20:00.000+08:00

There's madness inside me which I hope wouldn't turn out to be temporary. Awww how can that be? Last night, I desired intensely for a stop when I felt the dispirited mood of one person.

I feel happy how my friends showed up one by one. Ahah! I can't feign from the fact that they have reminded me the former Ayie and later shifted to a driving force of deeper understanding. Definitely, I've learned to love my self more with the extreme power of ecstasy as a bonus. Yes, I am a huge fan of change.

I went to the mall today. I wanted to get a new pair of flip-flops but instead, a Roxy stuff got my attention and I became very submissive to it.

I want to say CONGRATULATIONS to my sister. She won 2 awards from CENTER FOR POP MUSIC. Galing na singer at performer ni Ate'!

WILL YOU TAKE A RIDE WITH ME?

2005-09-16T23:52:00.000+08:00

There are times when my mind is incapable of knowing but when I become "certain" of what I feel, my actions will constantly dance and move forward. And that's a simple reason to SMILE.

YM paved the way again for this night to let me remember how it is to feel complete and no longer be able to control my urging for more. Aila, my bestfriend, saved me again. She can never get out of my system for it will always search for her. Katipunan and Taft both suck for me right now, for one reason that I want to see her. My chest knows how surreal her personality is for me.

It looks easy to do an interrogation with a person but it's hard to combine all forces available for me to know what will come weeks after, months after and even years after. I usually say to my mom that I set boundaries for this matter and there was never a single time before that she agreed to me. But right now, the thing on my mind that is closest to describe is the word "filter". Filtering, you get it right. It's my way and I don't find it an evil kind of act. Just see how "these real people" have proven their worth to me..

As I've promised one person, tincans will make their way. In this wandering course, "he" gave me the courage I wanted just the very moment such liberation was put into being.

Yes.... If I am to offer a "free ride" for you, then the reason for it isn't mainly to get your heart, but to free this heart of mine. Discharge it unconsciously from my conscious feeling.

She Shared Her Pants

2005-09-13T09:27:00.000+08:00

I can't take this smile off my face! Believe it or not, I've been receiving e-mails from Amber Tamblyn (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants; The Ring). Recently, she have discussed to me things about her latest book of poems "Free Stallion". Amber is an enchantress. Her enigmatic personality is something to adore.

I bought a web domain! I'll be moving out from here. I have to work on my site's design and I'll probably have time when the first sem comes to an end. I'll notify you right away for the url.

Losing Faith

2005-09-11T01:50:00.000+08:00

Ascends To Measure

2005-09-10T01:18:00.000+08:00

I'm still up until this time. I'll call this sneak away to blogging a break from my current "job". I'm doing a favor for Av and it will be her obligation to pay me for this. Ooops, not really. Not at all. Just kidding. Anyway, I had to read the book "Titser" and the deal now is to do a book report out of it and reach the deadline.

As planned yesterday after school, I was supposed to go to Rockwell and do it with her at the coffee shop. For me, there can never be a difficulty when you type things there and basically, work there. I trust that place so much and I put a meaning here. But when I was about to get my things packed up, my classmate called me up and told me that we have to do the video editing for our PGC subject.

A thought shifted to my friends. I have been terribly missing them so damn much. Those moments that we've shared will always be in the middle of remembering and it can be my choice to sometimes fantasize about it.

A week ago, I got to listen to a tape where we recorded our piece for our Music subject way back in senior year. It was actually a song that I composed and having a 90+ grade from our teacher became a big accomplishment for us. I hope they are still familiar with the song even until now. :(

My bed is waiting for me.

Kalawakan Sa Dilim

2005-09-08T22:55:00.000+08:00

"All thought is a feat of association: having what's in front of you bring up something in your mind that you almost didn't know you knew." -Robert Frost

Days aren't going well as I would like them to be. A part of me is so attached to someone. The joy is like a bolt out of the blue. Someone's hand holding mine is like an unforeseen repercussions.

I admit, I do not ever want to lose my "own identity" in search for happiness. Until just this morning, out of nothing, I have realized how one knowledge that I gained from someone (a musician) still has an appeal to me up to this moment.

If ever I have let myself go, nothing can be wrong, as long as I know how to get it back

I shall know. Right?

Dahil ako yun. At baka pagbalik pa noon, iba na ang kabuuan nya. Maaaring may mga dumagdag pa na mga bagay na kailanma'y hindi ko ninais malaman ngunit yun pala ang magbubuo sa pagkatao ko.

Sabi nga, "Change should be a friend. It should happen by plan, not by accident."

Yun ba ang rason kung bakit sinabi niya sa akin ang mga salitang, "Pati ba sa akin, bato na ang puso mo?"

Remodeling

2005-09-07T21:43:00.000+08:00

Distortion of things.. A reason stands so firm.. Yesterday, a momentous decision came just because of a simple reason that there was this movie that did a trick on me.

Can you imagine a woman as cold as Hannah She's got the right name, The vamp of Savannah Any time a woman can take a great big pan And start pouring water on a drownin' man She's hard hearted Hannah The Vamp of Savannah GA Ohh she's sweet as sour milk (Song: Hard Heart Hannah By: Ella Fitzgerald)

4:00 in the morning, I woke up. I pushed aside my demand for sleep until a friend told me, "Matulog ka naman..." But I didn't submit to her order.

My lower back hurts so much and the pain is killing me. My body is in need of rest and also, I want to rack out.

Now I know how it feels to be wrecked...

Puzzling Style

2005-09-05T18:57:00.000+08:00

For my mental extractions, I created this blog. Just this morning I have got to receive a message via sms from someone who became completely dumbstruck when he read an entry that I have recently posted. The explanation or the meaning of several things I write in my blog are not immediately obvious and still subject to many interpretations. I felt bad that I have offended one person but at the same time, an emotional conflict moves aimlessly. Let me remind you, I am the only person who can tell the "real meaning" of every word that I write and I am very sure of that.

My mom was rushed to the hospital last Friday due to DENGUE. Thank GOD for the fast recovery. We have stayed there until this morning. The past few days, together with my sister, we had to look after our mom and perform the things she will be needing . We made "duty/sleep shift". I used to sleep at around 11PM until 5:00 AM and then passed on the bed to my sister. My duty was not that onerous actually although I admit, it became a little bit hard for me to do.

Saturday morning, Av came over and so as last Sunday. We chilled at Starbucks near the hospital. Coffee coffee coffee! Wooooh! We really appreciate friends and relatives who visited my mother. Thank you very much.

Look at this...

"Heat of the Moment"
Model: Av
Picture & Graphic Design: Ayie

I am an aspiring photographer. Kiddin'.

By the way, I made a new website. If you want to know that URL of it, ask me! I do not feel like writing here anymore but I do not say that I will stop.

Must Be Beauty

2005-08-28T18:08:00.000+08:00

Yael and Armo from Sponge Cola (Pictures I took last week)

Tears used to be in vain. Not anymore. Rockwell has been a place for me and it paved the way for me to get good conversations with people. I wanted my freedom and the loser became the law.

Maybe it's true that there are invisible cords that connect each one of us. Things that can't be seen by the naked eyes. I didn't know that there will still be scenarios out there for me together with those people I expressed my feelings before. I have seen some of them just this week. A broken agreement. Nothing more.

The deep pain in the psyche of mine will not be restrained from anything for I will do my part. I believe in the powerful move of karma. It is for us to learn and be able to function well in our daily lives by transforming our past experiences into blueprints. Let them guide present decisions. I hope, "that person" will take note of this.

I do not know if it's wrong to make assumptions to a person you definitely do not like. I believe that it plays a part in the gradual increase of honesty. I do not like putting an emphasis to a thing that does not matter to me.

By the way, I came across a website that talks about the types of guys that women simply can't resist. Well, I will go for a:

foreign guy someone who is well-traveled and able to speak many languages
free spirit guy somene who is driven and doesn't fear about the consequences
considerate guy sensitive to how a woman is feeling and knows how to give respect
artistic guy someone who plays even a single instrument and can write a song... a painting will do too..
confident guy totally secure and sure of himself

Pair any with good looks. Nothing is wrong if you like your partner to have good looks. It explains on how you appreciate beauty.

White Wings

2005-08-21T19:24:00.000+08:00

Now, each movement seems to be my world. My short break in Cavite gave me a good treat. When I arrived there, I didn't feel like a gate crasher seeking for a shelter. It felt like home. It will always be.

We opened my parents' room which was left locked for a long time. Dust motes had their way to perform distractions. I became disturbed. Very. Unhurriedly, my mind whispered to me that what I saw was unpleasant. Change will always make a way. I never won during those times I urged to create a battle with it. My vision of dust motes shifted slowly into a story created by my pattern maker eyes. The memory of pain shone on me that very night.

A thing asked for my attention earnestly. The corner of my eye caught an unresponsive sim card. I got my cellular phone and very clueless, I inserted it. I opened my inbox and read messages. I found a moment where I wasn't denied of any meaning at all. Being up on a pitch-black night, motionless, I got to remember how two people extended their warmth on me one Christmas night. Messages were 2 years ago. Christmas 2003.

As I closed my eyes tighter, trying to trace some faces, I tried to understand things I had done with my past connections and how I disengaged myself. Not that feelings are back for that will be ridiculous. I just realized, that I can't pay any price for something that can't be mine. Something that isn't for me. The act of letting go was able to transform my life into something more than my being will dream for. A feeling that is more subtle and refined.

By the way, I'm here at the mall. My mom is on her way to pick me up and we'll go back to Manila together. I commuted all the way here and there came a story. Well, it was my very first time to have a long conversation with a complete stranger. The driver talked to me and interrogation happened quickly. There wasn't any trouble with him phrasing his questions and I directly answered. He stared at me for so long and expressed his appreciation for my beauty. Huurraah! It was his first byahe because his contract in Taiwan ended. I told him that my father works there and he uttered so fast, "Engineer, noh?" I answered, "Yes." He told me that my father must be earning well.

What corners me now is not the luxury or the things that the salary of my dad offers us. Not for their cost and how I survive through gadgets the ins and outs of the general spirit of the era but truly, for what they tell me. My father reached that state for he is very patient and hardworking. Include his brain by the way. I admire him so much and right now, my inspiration is back.

A Smile On My Face

2005-08-19T17:09:00.000+08:00

At Seattle's this morning, we talked about "the past". Sometimes, I want to be sick saying the same things all over again. Argh. I remember everything about my past. I have learned from all those things. George Santayana said, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." But, I am...aware. Very. Need I say more?

I wouldn't know who I am without those.

Everything looks sweeter now. I thought all the while I was missing a person I never met. Wrong. One person has always been with me all the time. From my thought of loneliness being the central fact of my existence, I was able to look closer and found something natural about life which showered me great enough courage... Even courage to die for.

Indulge to coffee. Cigarettes. Conversations. Beat us?!

In school, some people confessed to me what they thought I was like the first time they saw me. Well, most of them thought like I am the kind of person who'll deliberately cause harm on them. Bully. Ummm... There came physical discomfort and they did fear about my existence. Well, I was able to prove them wrong, they said. That's the best part. Relief!

Maybe, I should learn to smile more. :D

Off the topic:
I will go home to Cavite later. Yipee!

City Chain

2005-08-13T22:01:00.000+08:00

I'm not really O K A Y. I wanted to spend my day inside my comfort zone which is my bedroom. Apart from distractions. My plan didn't happen. My mom and I went to the mall. To relax a bit, I gave a treat to myself. Foot spa. Then we went at Nike and my mom bought me a new Presto watch. I wanted to get the black one, but she became hesitant because it might be hard for me to see the exact time, she said. So I chose the clearwater. Nice. I also bought a novel book, accessories and a shirt with a Pearl drumset on print! Darn, I so love it.

Current thought: I miss my Pearl. Jet black drums. I want to go home.

Earlier before going to the mall, I was searching for my pair of Zildjian drumsticks. That pair isn't my favorite, but there are so many memories that would let me be reminded of whenever I'll use those sticks. Ugh. I don't know what's wrong. Maybe it's the thing that up until this moment, I haven't gotten a case for drumsticks. My 1st lost the other pair of it. My Peter Erskine signature sticks are lost. Now, should I consider my Zildjian pair missing? Not yet! Oh please.

Restraining myself from thinking, no such form of complete denial. Last night, thanks to 4L girls (hs classmates), they made my night. I cannot say that there came hiatuses of thought. I wouldn't say that.

Now I'm here, facing the computer and rambling of words starts to be concentrated towards me. I stir. Carefully. Breathing. Thinking. About to taste. Maybe these things I extract are just plain words, nothing deep to dig. Let me say that I am here to say things about my life. My happiness. Share my suffering. Share the beauty of life.

I'm thinking that this act is like an unceasing self-obsession. I see nothing wrong though. I assume that someone who isn't self-obsessed about the circumvolution of things around him can be so boring. Being aware and able to promulgate each little thing that he is up with isn't a must, but I see its mark. Years later, these thoughts I've extracted will testify that I am one of the runners in this planet.

By the way, I await for exhibitionism. Weird term for someone who will celebrate for his existence.

Weather Strikes

2005-08-12T22:42:00.000+08:00

There is a great tension inside my heart right now. I wrote a poem.

Windy as my head floods
I try to stand, burn to the ground my grief
My desire brought me here
I run into the cold wet sand

You are not here with me

And you cannot be here anymore....

-------------------------

An opening essay written after Kurt Cobain's death... I wish that I wrote some lines from this essay. Erm. It speaks about death... Touches on a death that touched us all.. I dedicate this to someone.

It's so hard to believe that you're gone. Even now, I wake with a sense of disbelief. You're gone. Each morning, I rise reluctantly, wondering whether to live the day or just let it wash over me. I walk numbly, listlessly, drifting like a phantom. I feel apart from my body. I am half a person. You're gone.

From the start, everyone knew you were different. There was something more there. A mysterious glow, a strange, unfamiliar beauty. But, somehow, I felt like I'd known you all my life. Maybe I did. Could it be?

I always believed in you. And I believe you always believed in me. You spoke to me, about me, for me. During some of my most trying times, you shone like a beacon of guidance and strength. A rock. Someone real! I idolized you. I wanted to be you.

Some said you were messed up, disturbed-a bad role model. Some said power chaged you, that you couldn't handle it. They said your style was scandalous, your conduct immoral. And that's true. You were abrasive, gritty and tough. You were reckless. A loner. And sometimes you just made me mad. But that's because I loved you and because,despite everything, I always trusted you. And then it happened. But it wasn't your fault. It was our fault. My fault.

For everything we put you through, that life put you through, that you put yourself through, I'm sorry. I know you really never meant to hurt anyone. How can a butterfly cause harm? It is with high hopes and a full heart that I say: Richard Milhous Nixon, beautiful butterfly, fly free, fly strong, live forever. I love you.

Shells

2005-08-07T00:30:00.000+08:00

Before, I used to tell my friend that I do not like the feeling whenever it rains. There were so many dispiriting memories that I would remember and in a sudden, they could not have beguiled me of my strength. Things really do change. Last Friday, when it rained, I didn't have a fearsome feeling anymore. To tell you, I came across a holy place where my negative feelings can rely on.

I went to the mall last Friday. I waited there for awhile for my friend. There was a new band who promoted their album. I looked at the stage and in a watchful manner I saw how the drummer played with the drums. I said to myself, "There were so many people who told me before that I play that very well. But look, why am I just here? Desperately admiring him? Very desirous? Or just because the green-eyed monster wants me to steal the opportunity given to him to play on the stage and share his skills." Good thing, my friend arrived. I had to set away my questions.

I've been browsing my entries and suddenly, Batangas pictures got my attention. I started reading that May 11 post.

I had this thought that my first step on the beach will be very memorable. The water was clear. I felt the warmth of the sun and the way the water played with my skin was so gooood.

I wonder.. I should have wrote things about shells. Yesterday, I saw a "shell necklace" that I got when I was in Palawan. I believe that shells are really beautiful which will make you pick them up, hold them, feel them. But... Look closer... you will see their wounds and scars. We are just like them, we hide our pain beneath every scar.

The sun was just there with me without any lotion applied on my skin. The heat of it was a bit painful and I'm not used to it. I just told myself to face it and enjoy that single moment of mine with my friend for tomorrow will be a new day again. A new day where I'll find my pain healed by the beauty of nature.

Another thing, it might be distressing to notice the fallibility of a lone shell. Some people will throw it into the waves while for some, they'll see that very inch of suffering which came up for a one diginified shell to continue sharing its ipseity no matter what people would say.

As I said to nature, I'll be finding myself there. I did. The beach took every worry inside me. Actually, it also took my silver "ring" ---that very significant ring. It was that important to me and my hand wouldn't be complete each day without feeling it's there. I learned that one's beauty can set your attention away from something you treasure that much and it can even let you realize that you have to let go of beautiful things that can't be just for you.

What I really want to tell here, let us stop rejecting and let us see the beauty each one of us is entitled of. Acceptance is the key. And yes, I'm still missing (sooo much) that silver ring which the restless and rebellious waves took from me. As I leave that ring to them, I hope that they will take care of it and love it more than I do. I've been missing those days... :(

SUCH THING I CALL "CONNECTION"

2005-08-04T23:39:00.000+08:00

Coffee shop. Cigarettes. Coffee shop. Your face. I still want to continue fighting..

When I saw that sincere look from his eyes... Like breathing, I cannot stop. Could a mutually beneficial connection be sinful? I know, very few people can understand what I am talking about here. For "_________ love", do not encourage the normal circle. The pattern of letting them turn away is next and that is for sure. Love should not set against " __________ love" because Love transcends all human understanding. And now I say, I can't allow unpleasant realities intrude (being so bitter!). Hope can't be unachievable and please, pair it up with justice for me to grasp.

A beautiful reading inspired me to write my realization. By the way, thanks for the "red book" my dear. I have this weird feeling whenever you spend your money for me. Anyway, I appreciate the thought so much. Awww... so sweet.

Why does my mom have to ask me those same questions whenever I talk to someone on phone?

Haaaaai....

Things are REALLY very different now...
I feel that my power is within.

I'm a friend of moonlight whenever his kiss would...
-- TO BE CONTINUED --

Human Nature

2005-07-30T23:11:00.000+08:00

I caught the movie D' Anothers. At first, all I had was the need of watching it. Michelle is one of the casts and by watching the movie, I can add up a may saysay na kwento to our next conversation. Boo to my sister, who dialed her all the way which led me saying in the end, "...Uy teka I've got to tell you more...Ay wala na pala!" The movie is really worth watching. I definitely had fun. I now dream to have a one week experience of being an "another". To be a ghost a see how people will treat me without my substansive existence. Scccaaarrry huh?

I'm experiencing change. I will never admit that I am a fan of it. Everything seems to look like a vague outline of something. I breathe and nothing more. I feel like I'm missing a lot. I do not even know if there are still more things I deserve to get. Just maybe, most of the time I get nothing but trouble for my good intentions. I hate it.

We humans really love thinking (very much) and sometimes a certain problem can occur---when we can't stop our minds from it. All humans are in need of a connection with other human beings. The reason why "human nature" is present! Eventhough I understand such, if words can tell who we are, I think we must not really be careful, but on the other hand, always au fait on how we express the progression of our feelings.

Okay, so not everyone feels love in the same way. A certain feeling can't have its carbon copy. Moving on, not everyone feels the same craving for love.

We are all brought up in different ways which links on how we react to situations. Our beliefs have the power to shape our worlds. Team of love and connection? I'm not actually asking for it. I have it already and I can't free myself from it. I taste the safeness and kindness of love. Eventhough I actually do fret for a lot of things, until my brain balances all chemicals very well, things will work well.

The problem now is... I give respect to myself, but does loving come with it? Yes, not pointing a finger to anyone but rather to MY *space* SELF.

My friend just asked me this morning if my interruption in space to party is still present. My answer? Not anymore. I'm ready for it. Give me a little more time. I said, a little more time.

Dirty dancing scene haunts me.

I was tagged..

2005-07-24T21:47:00.000+08:00

To those people who submitted questions for me to answer (the answers are here), delayed answers. Keep asking questions at the question box! Nyay.

San tagged me, so there's no way out. Hihi :)

What are the things you enjoy, even when no one around you want to go out and play?
*movie marathon
*discovering new music
*playing the drums
*writing haikus
*making graphics
*surfing the net

What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it in your journal

stress:
*a vacation-Palawan vacation again but with the person I really want to take there. Sneak away with him and yes, really talk.
*see a movie-better finish the "entire movie", alright? (making "parinig" to one person out there!)
*call a friend-my bestfriend, Aila!
*relax-sleep..make a glass of iced vanilla coffee
*listen to music-that will help me loose my self a bit
*read a book-to help me forget of the real world and just come back when my mind's ready!

blood pressure:
I haven't experienced such. If ever that will happen, must've been because of my high caffeine intake or excessive smoking (when there is no room available anymore for free thinking women). High blood pressure being a "silent killer", my fave dark chocolates can save me. Dark chocolates lower high blood pressure.

anxiety:
Let me meditate, reflect, have silence and listen to jazz music.

and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it in theirs
*Jozel
*Denise
*Khim
*Xtel
*RJ

Off the topic:
I can't find any way on how I can let "this person" read this message of mine. So here it goes..
Do not fear of your life. Again, I am here. I want to clean your heart of animosity and wait for the time that you're ready to forgive me. And if ever you cross that moment, listing all my wrongs shouldn't be part of the forgiveness process. I wish. I hope.

ONE Night

2005-07-23T13:25:00.000+08:00

ONE Night

He's sleeping..and became frozen. Only God knows if it will be a bad dream for him. Two scenarios must've left me asking for help, with his voice very dreamy.. quite a pleasure to listen to. Why such thing I can never leave to Independence. As I stare at the walls like crashing on me, I see the light but with a different touch of sight. My vision starts to die... But I always watch after every human that I love. Like an escape from an insulting night never do I bother to embrace the hurting... My vision again starts to die... Like an involuntary power that vibrates my soul, darkness tries to fill the emptiness, the reaction must be a must. Dreaded impact of misery corners me. Can his faithless heart bless this heart of mine? Let his amiability with the stretching of feelings that brought together lives of two different people pair up with my susceptible soul.

This picture isn't a reflection of a rebellious heart, like most people would find doing (which I hate...sorry..). Why can we not let a happy heart make its way? Now, it's here. I can't love anything that's only a product of my own realism. I found one already, far apart from that. And I want him. I want my light back which will give my story a hundred percent more character.

Off the crap:
Once the realization is accepted
that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue,
a wonderful living side by side can grow,
if they succeed in loving the distance between them
which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Wooooohhhh

2005-07-17T18:22:00.000+08:00

I spent the day with my family. We attended mass together, went to the mall and watched "War of the Worlds".

Pardon me, but my head is currently blank. I'll blog again soon. For the meantime, I would want to share this spread..

Pictures taken today..

Sweet Revenge

2005-07-16T11:25:00.000+08:00

Just last month, dad was here. Now he's back again from Taiwan and I thank him for these... :)

An Acer TravelMate 4150, Lacoste's Touch of Pink (Pop Edition) and an F1 BMW cap.

Last night, because of "one incident", my mom told me that I lack discipline. I accepted what she said. I found this warlike attitude between my mind and heart when she started saying painful words to me. I hate it. She doesn't know me that much. And for the few things that had let her create a conclusion on the way how she should see me, I can rave with it. It shouldn't be the basis of everything.

And also, she should not ever wonder why I've been missing my former school St. Scho that much. I give big respect to it. There are really nice people there (real people!) to whom I have shared with and given my full potential. Another thing, I can never forget how my talent was put to use. I was able to show the world what I am made of. Being part of the hs pep squad (playing the drums for my school) and going to different competitions, a memory I can't ever forget. Maybe I have aspired for medals, trophies, etc but I got to realize that they are "just" standards. The biggest prize I was able to acquire? Honor and respect from people. Everything doesn't stop there. School life somehow affects the way we see things. It taught me how to become a fierce competitor. Our society, which we collide with, captured us and left us helpless striving for points in this life's battle. It's all about a person being against himself, the world and others. In the end, it's just a journey.

Before, I used to be afraid when a person is mad at me and tries to look for real things inside me. If for discovery sake, sure dude. Crossing and moving to another, when someone tries to put me down, I've made a conclusion that fate can be worse than death.

I should rise above and and move beyond suffering and pain. I am honest that my heart has scars. I see nothing wrong. Maybe my heart looks odd, but to tell you, each scar signifies the love I offer for each person I treasure in my life.Some parts are still empty. Those are places I gave to some people, but, they chose to leave me. I sit and anticipate for new people who are willing to touch and make a different impact in my life.

She said "I am sorry" to me this morning. She found enough reason why "that one incident" shouldn't be a valid one for her to aimlessly do those things to me. I forgive but I can't really forget.

Freedom. Pain. Darkness. Lonesomeness. Love. Sanity. New Faith. I've been carrying them... I am haunted. I ask for the beauty and wonder of freedom.

A new world will begin. My soul is free to fly.

THOUGHTS..

2005-07-14T11:51:00.000+08:00

Edit/EDIT! 8:56 PM Someone made my day!!! I AM SO HAPPY!

Most of the time I'll always think that I can never have a lone soul. However, the fact that I seek "this person" wherever I go and afterwards, getting upset that I can't have an opportunity to do so that same place, same time, I become very upset and suffer an exquisite pain.

WHAT I GOT TO REALIZE

I'm being so emotional here..
BUT, THIS IS MY BLOG and it's my right to say whatever I want whether with regards to my heroic deeds (were there?) or my poignant anxiety.
I'm open to my beliefs and to others' although whenever I feel free opening them up, not for any "brainwashing or influencing" business but to give a ray of my thoughts.
When people admire you, don't just be thankful. Ask the reason why for it gives a more satsifying feeling.

Quoted from my May 1 '05 extracted thoughts: "I became a product of life's rigidity. I neglect life when it is usually on its imbalanced state that later leads me nowhere. I usually say to my friends, I'm in love with people. My past can readily explain how I held the attraction I had for those people. I used to be the kind of person that when I like you, I'll let you feel it but very soon I usually end up becoming a human rubberband. I can one day come, the other day I'll go."

Yes, let me call that "unlearning relationships" with people who I used to desire for. And whenever "this person" would remind me of those things, I can't help but to lose my enthusiasm. Last night made me staring at the ceiling and forcing myself to sleep.

A GOOD THING that occurs to me now.... I got the habit of studying. :D

Invisible

2005-07-10T15:24:00.000+08:00

Fever hit me so bad last Friday night. I had to go home yesterday and allow my mom to take care of me. Hihi. :) And... my problem with indigestion came with it again. Due to this, my mom would just let me eat boiled egg and crackers. Boooo... I continue to drink plenty of water.

Why am I really here, blogging again? In my case, I'd usually need words in the most desperate situation. Not now.

A certain chapter of my life I did burn. I feel sorry if I had let my guard down and opened up. My vulnerability and how such created offensive borders, again, I'm sorry. I cannot deny the feeling of paranoia whenever we're not together. And to someone who made me feel passive, I now forgive you and maybe, I'm willing to be a fool again, make my heart melt or cry, together with the normal swing of life and how we speak out in a plea for greater tolerance, I welcome you into my life once again--- all in the name of love. Let me just say, "I'm worth a lot."

I hope this time you know where your place really is...

Get Me

2005-07-03T22:24:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I attended the Alpha Phi Omega orientation. It's the largest fraternity/sorority in the world. I texted my dad first about the group and he told me that I'll be getting a lot from it. I believe that as I head on to my future, it will be a good factor that will help me with its goal to develop leadership, to promote friendship and to provide service to humanity.

It didn't stop there. The second person I had to ask was my mom. Her mind was open to listen. She became worried with the way a fraternity/sorority keeps its traditions. Talking about how you'll be able to get in.

So there, I will have to consider some things before jumping into a conclusion and, decide. Tomorrow, I'll be meeting with our "lady" and tell her what I've decided.

I feel absurd
I ignore warnings I see ahead of me
I'll cross into a conclusion
Head on to the cliff
Finding myself cold, plunge into a cold sea of blood
If such thing narrates my life
Was it a heroic deed?
Or a futile day of my artistic peak?
My heart is used to hurting
Clash of an unending meaning
If there's a concrete and abstract explanation of beauty
It's not me
But It's you
Send me to where I belong
Love me
My heart was left unlocked
The moment you let me go

..a quiet pain..

Hearty

2005-07-01T10:09:00.000+08:00

Yesterday morning, from Taft Ave I headed to Espana. I arrived early for my first subject in school so I thought of chilling at one coffee shop. I treated myself a drink while holding a cigarette (not a vice, ok?) as I read some lines from a good book and I started to write.

I was depressed by fear and I wanted courage. Knowing that I was alone and away from knocking miseries, everything wasn't an escape but rather, a cure. I couldn't remember anymore when was the last time that I got an undisguised, personal and parallel communication with myself. When I did it yesterday, I felt better.

My bestfriend called me up last night. Actually, I was worried about her when I heard that she's facing a dreadful phase in her life. Nice to hear that now, she is ok. We had a very good coversation which provided me an abundant nourishment again.

I'm trying to get to know more of people lately. I do not feel relaxed whenever I will talk to a group of people. I go for a one-on-one conversation. It's flattering that lately, I got to know a new person. I even saw tears wanted to have their exit from her eyes. She opened up the "saga of her life" to me. A very personal one and I promise to keep it.

I admit, I find it hard to open my doors to some. Everyone's welcome though, but each intensity of my affection would vary. I believe that persons are gifts and every meeting is an exchange of gifts. Some are wrapped beautifully and for the rest, it may take your stare away from them. The thing here is, we should look what's inside the wrapping.

Power of Goodbye

2005-06-29T21:12:00.000+08:00

As I sat this afternoon for 2 hours, waiting for the "tagpuan", I wrote down words on my notebook as a reflection of this terrible pain I feel inside. Sometimes when you submit yourself into something, or to someone, you forget the real essence of your everyday actions. Everything goes very predictable already. And then when everything was put to an end, you'll miss it. You'll go helplessly committed and so into it already.

I was wrong when I thought that I'd find relief after. Damn, it became more painful when I read those things I extracted from my mind and from the sudden rush of deep and poignant distress. I couldn't believe I'm struggling for this thing I once had in my life.. something I promised to keep more than I could and more than I should.

Now, I want something from someone but I know, shit, he wouldn't care to give it to me anymore. I'm desperate. I'm broke. It looks very simple but anger got its unplanned entrance. I get it from him 24/7. In my case, initially I felt the same way too but I do not want anger to rule my life. It shouldn't be my god. Therefore, I do not want such thing to poison my clean intention.

I cannot let go. I'm living with every memory and each day I usually find my mind wandering together with each scene and playing back all those "good" days. Now, he sees love died together with me. With courage I say "I'm sorry", and I say it not just to clean up the mess. I know it takes time... a lot of time. I cannot be merry after rather continue to heal this pain I feel the same way.

He will always be a loving part.. A fragment that narrates why I was born to live. Nothing will change. I had been selfish in the past and here I go.. Allow me to do this, not to pay for it, but to wipe out every single racking pain. I feel bitter for the product of such disturbing actions I made. I admit I was wrong but moving on, all of the time, it was me.

The love he gave to me satisfied me very much... It gave a very uplifting effect... How could I ever forget that? I do not know if I'll be able to move on and open doors for new love. I'm not yet open for such thing. I'm stuck in this drifting feelings I carry with me. I found a space.. Where I do not collide anymore together with him.

I want to treat the connection we had with honor and great respect. If ever I'll cross the moment when I will find staring into space and missing him, I'll send him kind and sweet words still. In this way, I can still show my love while at the same time, also protecting myself from his hurtful behavior. I'm not yet letting go... Will I do it? Maybe yes.. Maybe no. I can't answer yet. I'll use my past connection as an inspiration if ever I'll have a new love.

"Power of Goodbye" Madonna

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long

Walk away
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

BACK TO THE GAME!

2005-06-25T20:07:00.000+08:00

Whenever I write, I must add fuel... More fuel. Now, I'm back. It's been a long time since my last blog. I wasn't just actually looking for a significant change in my life. Moreover, I believe that "dull repetitious work gives no gratification". Suddenly, a resentful heart made me write here now.

This soul of mine at this certain moment doesn't suffer any damnation although I'm pissed off to someone, who thought like a lost my grip on him. Not true. Let me say that I will always have a room filled with satisfying aroma only made for those people ("friends", etc.. I want to clear everything!) I love dearly. I only choose people who may wander there inside. I do not care even for some circumstances a lot of people would often misinterpret me. My head gets mental sometimes but I am coping up. This is me, it's for you to decide if you'll be pleased.

As a very distinguished flirt, which in my own lexicon defined as "meeting people with sweetened affection who came to the magnitude of my soul searching for a friend or for someone I can open up and share my life with" will always be my name. I used to have the fear of monophobia and its heart-rending effect. Right now, no more. I came to a realization that I must reach a certain point in my life that no matter a small or big fraction of people would choose to stay with me, I must be able to tell them my honest words in the end...that they gave meaning to my life.

I would want my eyes to look at people in a different way. As they say that the eyes are the windows of the soul, then one must be able to see that unnerving I may stare at him or her, something must be happening inside my system. At a certain point I could even see if they feel surprised, desolate or annoyed. I believe that while I constantly look in, capturing possibilites and searching for many stories I know they are composed of, my soul narrates what I see and tries to digest them. How this good deal of assurance plays a portion of satisfying taste, I do not want to doubt anyone's warm affection though.

Your Birthdate: October 19

Your birth on the 19th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life path.

But at the same time, it poses a number of obstacles to overcome before you are able to be as independent as you would like. The number 1 energy suggests more executive ability and leadership qualities than your path may have indicated.

A birthday on the 19th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. However, a somewhat self-centered approach to life that may be in conflict with some of the other influences in your life.

This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush.

You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed.

You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.

You do not tend to follow convention or take advice very well.

Consequently, you tend to learn through experience; sometimes hard experiences.

The 19/1 is a loner number and you may experience feelings of being alone even if you are married.

You may take on a tendency to be nervous and angry.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Wandering Emotions

2005-06-09T22:07:00.000+08:00

Observed situation...
Lev meets Steph. Steph meets Lev. Lev starts to hang out with Steph. Steph talks to him with a coffee on her hand. Exchange of stories. Lev starts to tell his mind that everything is because of friendship. The battle suddenly starts to dismiss such. It becomes a misplaced affection. Steph will listen. Lev will tell her that he likes her already. Steph together with sweet confusion tries to blow him off away. Lev who struggled even the chance of ruining all the chances that he can have with this person suddenly feels bad, very bad. Even cynics can call it a tragedy. And now he walks his way away from the girl. He keeps the distance forever. No friendship, no conversation and it looks like nothing started at all. Everything fails. The end.

Can there be justice, please?

I packed up things this morning which I'll be bringing to my dorm. Av came over around 12 in the afternoon. We had lunch together and I got my things. We headed to my dormitory. She helped me on putting those things in order from my clothing down to toiletries.

Done with those, we went our way to my school. I wanted to get my ordered set of uniform. Darn, the guard told us that the distribution was made yesterday from morning until afternoon. They'll be back for it on the 24th and due to this, I've got to wear civilian in school for about 2 weeks.

We went to the mall. I searched for a new lip gloss palette. I'm sick using a lipstick for about 4 days already. I don't want to be used to it. I bought one today like my former set before. It has 9 colors. Fanstastico!

And then, we watched the movie "Unleashed". Jet Li is really, really a very good martial actor. Danny (Jet Li),was raised like a dog (with a collar/choker given by his master) and taught only to hurt and kill people. Eventhough the movie displays violence, still it has a very beautiful meaning and really worth watching. The touching part for me, like a dog, he was able to learn new tricks from new people who came later in his life. And away from the torment and suffering caused by former cruel rapacious master, he became then familiar with the meaning of life and of course, love.. That its tenderness and affection made him say "I'm home" in the end.

Very Okay

2005-06-07T18:22:00.000+08:00

I woke up 5 in the morning today. My tummy felt nothing but plain air. I gave it a good deal. What more? A mouth-watering Bacon Mushroom Melt. After a few minutes, our driver arrived. He fetched me and my parents and went our way to (Alabang) the hospital. Thank GOD for a very successful operation to my mom.

My first step on the ground lead me thinking deeply. I chased. around. I asked myself if agnosticism was right there inside me. No, not at all. My belief in God continues to knock at my very young and free soul. I then felt guilty of all the wrongdoings that I have done lately. I am not an infallible person. I wanted then to unravel every single chunk that brought me to feel empty. My thoughts didn't cut out there. Lifting all of them, I realized that my period of existence that very moment should concentrate to my mother and her condition. Nothing more. I blanked out my insanity. I prayed for her.

I felt very sleepy while sitting on the couch so I browsed words from my electro dictionary and listened to the radio. The operation took for only 30 minutes and another 2 hours of rest for my mother. A text message was sent by the nurse telling us that we can see my mom. It was a mild operation and nothing else but relief was the best exchange of the wait.

Together with the jumpy beats of my heart, I was very eager to see her. My mom, yes my mom... To hug her close and tell her she's fine and now it's good that she doesn't have to worry anymore about her condition. I saw her. I smiled and told her right away, "Bebi bibe" (what I call her..close to baby or beb for me). Nothing more can complete my longing when I saw her smiling back with a reflection that she felt better.

After we ate, we went home. Before I left the house, I see to it that everything my mom will be needing was there. I gave her chocolates to eat, a tall glass of water and played some music. I told her to stay in bed and rest. I then went to Rockwell with a friend, watched the movie "A Lot Like Love" and bought a bag for my bestfriend.

Switching

2005-06-05T19:33:00.000+08:00

Me and my co-videoker (my own term) who is my sister, went out yesterday to sing. I tried figuring out songs that can offer beautiful engagement with my voice. After that, my mom and dad picked us up and we went to our derma. I got facial treatment.

Dinner time, we ate together at this Filipino restaurant. We headed to the mall and I bought new jeans.

Try to enter my world. Wait, I'm vulnerable at this moment, at this point of time. Fragile. I can be broken into pieces right away. Take time to listen. If you dare. It's easy for me to give you my friendship. Trust? Too hard for me to open up and share you my stories and even my darkest secrets. But gaining my trust takes another shoot of a very significant magnitude.

This is my blog. My journal. I write like running after each scene whenever I will find my heart beating slowly yet amazingly for grand and satisfying taste. I might sound not normal and I do not mind. Everything is for me to read, treasure and not for the pleasure of my audience reading this.

Memories are starting to fade...

Listening to every note...

I remain to hear a beautiful melody after..

Don't ask why I started crying this afternoon.. I'm ensnared with the normal swing of human race.You were not there.. But I felt like you were. Worse..

Out of boredom, I created one. Click here for more.

This eve.. My cellular phone is resting. I do not want to feel it. I do not want to hold it close or grab it. It shouldn't cross my mind to send kind quotations to people and let them know someone like me remembers them. Call me rude or even demented. I am doing this for a purpose.

School is coming near. New corner, new everything, probably new "me". Drifting sounds, echoes, greetings surround my soul. I'm taking a deep breath while ressurecting from my like-hell life.

I do not stop there.

Tumble upon a crossroad.. Floating questions I won't flush down. To rack up love from its creation can be so hard. Destroying it can be that easy but cannot be forgotten. Not even a bit.

He's on YM. I'm talking to him. He has changed.. Only a bit.

Ironic

2005-06-03T14:33:00.000+08:00

RECORDING! THAT picture was taken last Wednesday, June 1 at Popstar Music Studio

Click here to download and listen to my first song.

FOR FUN, I sang So Slow by Freestyle and Torn (my first time trying to sing it on mic) by Natalie Imbruglia. I am really not a good singer although I love singing a lot. I do not practice like others do. That's one of my hobbies but I cannot drop to a conclusion that I was born to be a diva.

Last Wednesday and Thursday, I went out malling. Both very tiring and eventhough I found time to rest (night), my fingers itched for the keyboard's touch. YM found me.

Av texted me yesterday and asked me if we can go to the movies to watch the new horror movie, "Shutter". I faltered. I do not like horror movies that much. I see it like putting myself to shame whenever I will watch it with a friend, co-family member or with a group of people. As I spot people inside the movie house screaming out loud and terrified with what they see, a normal reaction would hit me. Yes, close to my reaction on watching drama movies. Am I not normal? My friend was stunned by "Shutter". She told me she thinks she cannot sleep loud anymore. I told her, "Bat ka nagbayad ng Php120 para takutin ka..?"

On our way home, we dropped by Starbucks (Rockwell). I ordered for a Caramel Frappuccino. Whew! We chatted, laughed and I started reading some parts of the book Galing Cine Cafe by De Guzman. Rain went after us. We had to wait for it to stop. After that, we walked and headed to her house. I slept there.

My dad came home this afternoon from Taiwan. Supposedly, I'm flying there one of these days. Since school is moving closer, I chose to not anymore. I'm planning to go there instead during our semestral break.

I love my dad's F1 cap

I dig words and my dad gave me my wish. I now own a new Franklin Merriam Webster electronic dictionary. I do not have to flip my dictionary once in awhile. Now my last thirst, a new laptop. We're currently comparing and standardizing computers in Taiwan market from our market. They fall under the same price. My dad saw one from Acer and he wants that for me. I found one from Compaq. I do not know yet what to choose. I still have to see both and buy one that will fit my needs.

A Letter Can Explain

2005-06-01T02:41:00.000+08:00

The windfall left me defenceless. It gave a tremendous effect in this chapter of my life. As I thought that everything has to end on its own time, seeing your face objects all the explanations gathered. Truly, a smile with you will make my day at its best.

315 days to be exact that I've gone my way with you. Who would've thought that the feeling I felt that first day with you had already grown into something like this. More than I expected but miles away from what I became frightened of.

I am one person who's allergic to pretentions.I wasn't born perfect in this world. I do not have any knowledge on how I can turn you on. The way I do things for you is simply the way I know, the way I want and of course...the way I am. No one can rave on that.

You changed something in my life. Actually, more than half of it. During the night, while the moon would fantasize conquering the skies and with the stars twinkling from afar, sweet messages from you speed up the magic of everything. You would wait for my eyes to close and for my body to rest. I would then have gone asleep not conscious anymore whether you're still up or not. Still I know, my subconscious will always chase after you---ONLY YOU. As it goes, morning will follow. I might have forgotten some parts that happened during my 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Still, I cannot scorn the great feeling of knowing that yesterday you have waited for me and I know you will always be open to that thing until we are out of this prison. Let me hold you always.

Now, it is distressing to notice that the more I want to see you happy with me, the normal blood of an easily-tempted human would often submit to temptations. Day by day it starts to eat my pure intention which is to love you extremely and dearly. To hurt you is like a replica of an ally of grief inside me.

I know I've told you before that you are a prayer I never said. Never a moment in my life that I've thought someone like you who is almost perfect was born in this world. You are now a very important fragment that shapes my whole-being. Fate brought us together but I wouldn't allow it to make us separate from each other.

315 days...
Those days, we shared happiness and pain.
Thing I cannot learn and I do not ever want to forget..
Can there be 315 x 1,000,000? I ask for it.
I'm fiction's shadow. Go figure.

Matamlay na isip
Katawan ay lanta
Nagsusulat ng walang patutunguhan
Mahihimlay na ba?
Ayoko pang isipin

Sick..So sick.

2005-05-30T00:29:00.000+08:00

Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours for one lone soul another lonely soul, each choosing each through all the weary hours and meeting strangely at one sudden goal. ---texted to me by my mom

Why is that when I find myself feeling happy(---so happy), my mind will create a battle with it? The next thing, I will find withdrawing myself from everything just because I am not brave enough.

Let me exchange poles and see those people draw themselves away from me. I guess I can accept and adjust right away. I want it more that way. And it is good to be alone sometimes. Yes, it is.

I started chillin' last Saturday night. I got a thermometer. Normal. The next morning, my body felt weak. I had to stay in bed the whole day. Worse thing, fever combined with horrible crap of indigestion hit me. Eww. I felt alarmed that I might suffer dehydration. More water... Plenty of water for me to drink.

While having a text conversation with Av, I craved for doughnuts. Dugsh. She's that generous that she promised a box of doughnuts for me when we meet. Guess what, she delivered a half-dozen yesterday. (Funshots naman tomorrow, ok? Kiddin'.) That's the thing I like about her. She's courteous and the flow doesn't know how to stop.

Right now, feelin' better but I am not yet that okay.

We watched "So Happy Together". A story about a beautiful friendship between two people (a business minded woman and a frustrated gay writer) and their desperate search for their one true love. Fantastic. No need for me to say more. Ricky Lee wrote it and he's one of the Filipino writers I rate highly. When she went home, I still stayed infront of the screen to watch "National Treasure".

I talked to her on phone last night. I guess she's really bothered with my figure. I lost weight and still on my way to get closer to my dreamlike body. Like my mother, she wants my chubby version back. Ano ba talaga? Kill myself? No way. Thousands of men and women from the heterosexual, bisexual and homosexual communities can revolt for they want to delight in my flesh. Let them be satisfied. Stop, kiddin'. No more to narcissism.

3 things that made my day:

1. I told my mom I LOVE YOU via text (mind me, we're under one roof :D).
-I say these words to her everyday but I felt something different this morning. It was a very good feeling.

2. My mom told me she believes in me.
-I do not want to fail her and my dad. Everything will be dedicated to them.

3. Admiring this picture..

Btw, that's my dad. I miss him. I love him.

Tight Decision

2005-05-26T20:48:00.000+08:00

My mom woke me up from bed this morning and asked for my plan. Where do I want to stay when I go to college in June.

Here are the choices my mom gave me...

She'll get a condo for me near my school (I'll be with our yaya)..
I'll go in a dormitory ..
I'll still live in our condo here in Taft Ave..

Factors she told me that are needed to be considered...

If I decided to stay in a dormitory or condominium near my school, she'll go to Taiwan every month for2 weeks.. (I will damn miss her..again..)

If I'll stay in our condo in Taft, I will commute..(I do not like commuting at all..)

I still haven't made up my mind. It's easy to give my word but I fear at all. I dwell upon the moment I decided to go to Manila for school back in highschool and to stay in a dormitory. Until now, I presume that their thoughts are still not miles away from the impression that they had on me before.

As I would always say, I am busted. I was a normal teenager during those days. A disobedient child. A girl chasing for happiness as I would want to be known. Those parties.. Up in the middle of the night and up to speed along with the music, lights and groovin' bodies. I felt like the vibes went on for me to be aware that I was having a flight to a planet where all my worries would go away. A distant set me away from them, but sorry for me, alcohol and cigarettes were just plain tickets to a world I never imagined would be.... To a world I never intended to be in and fit in.

Like a rotten luck, consequences arrived one after another. I decided to get out of the drowsiness on that certain planet. Nightmares would appear along with my yearning for time off. They started to eat my mind, my soul and maybe, even my body. Holding on to God was the remedy I selected.

I understand my family. I love the affection and support they give to me. Now, everything seems to be happening very fine. I accepted my responsibilty for that brainless attitude of mine before. I still do not regret, swear. If were not for those things, I wouldn't find the new chronicle of myself. I clearly know that God's plan will always be the best for me. Problems set me to a day where my own self tried to attain security whenever I will hold a rosary to sleep. Now, I still do the same thing together with my prayers not only for myself but also for the people I had hurt in the past.

I checked out my course from UST's website..

AB in Journalism

The course will tackle all aspects of writing for newspapers and magazines as well as for radio and television broadcast. It will train students in the effective reporting and in-depth coverage of local and international events, personalities, places, etc. Moreover, it will teach students the ethical responsibilities that will ultimately count with the pursuit of the truth and the treatment of various issues that affect the country and the international community.

Job Opportunities:
reporters, writers, public relations practitioners, broadcasters, newscasters, copywriters, scriptwriters, editors/editorial assistants, publicists, information officer, researchers, teachers

I'm feelin' it. My sister's friend from UP added more power when he told me that UST is number one in the field of Journ. I also read that most newspaper writers graduated from my soon-to-be university. I got my subjects already and I wouldn't ask for a time machine anymore. I will live with every moment, get the force and exert my dedication. I will make my parents proud of me this time.

Chismis

2005-05-24T15:44:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday, my mother prepared a small feast for our friends coming over. It started very well. We were making kwentuhan then suddenly this Sunday showbiz talk show revealed something.

Our family was bothered right after. A very shocking revelation. We couldn't just keep silent. My sister's phone started to beep for many text messages were sent to her and some even called her up. We know the whole truth. Like most people say that showbiz can be so dirty and it covers up things very well, I can justify that it's really true. Being very mindful of this event, I witnessed everything.

And so right now, their party (the guy star's) are offering some deals to us. They want us to keep silent and not serve as a buff in this star's rising career. Actually, we are not after anything. My sister broke up with this guy when she saw this guy's true color. Like my friend said to me, true, we are very lucky that we don't have to sing, act or even dance on tv just to earn money for living. I do not have any other resentful attitude when it comes to their business. I respect their talents and abilities. I just get so pissed off to some stars who think they're gods already. On the contrary, they should feel blessed and let their popularity serve as role models for many people.

Night time, I went night swimming with my best bading friend ever. How relaxing when we were swimming by the roof top and the view around us was very tempting. Everything that time was mellow. Alright, my friend reversed it. He made "habol" to carry me up and spin me around!!! Whoa, I looked funny that time!

After dinner, we went by the couch to watch Grease movie. When the movie ended, we surfed other channels. We stopped by the Mossimo Bikini Summit (still the same name? I'm not sure with this..) show. With those big things there, we made fun out of it. My friend was like on the top of the world! Jk. We were at the peak of excitement! Mouth-watering! Many of you might be wondering what makes a bading a bading? For your information sake, they are men who are feelingly, genuinely, gravely, intensely in love with other men and they can also be women who are seriously, severely, surely, thoroughly in love with other women.

These are the two recent things I got to realize:
1. Courage without strategy won't guarantee winning any battle.
2. The best feeling ever is to be able to tell the world who you are loving passionately.

So I'll blog asap. DSL's still not working at home. I'm here at the mall and the more I still want to stay and type here, the more I should expect a shout from my mother. Haha. Take care you, I'll blog again soon.

True

2005-05-21T16:50:00.000+08:00

I said to myself, I wouldn't allow my past to capture my present and future. All the loss I've encountered set me to learn more about life and love.

So it hurts me that much knowing that my friend was hurt by someone she loves dearly. It's normal for an end in a relationship for everything has to end on its own time. What's more painful, her guy didn't even offer friendship after everything.

Bastard. Durrrr...If only I can kick his ass, sure I will. Last Wednesday night, my friend woke me up and asked me to call up Wendy's for food delivery. I was not hesitant at all. Honestly speaking, I was only after my figure. I didn't mind it. I had to listen to my friend, offer my concern and care when she thought that she failed life. My arms were there to catch her.

2 Bacon Mushroom Melt burgers and 2 glasses of iced tea were not enough to let go of our pain. We shared with each other memories of the past. We were not yet ready to love, but our hearts were ready to forgive... What we thought.

And so, I'm just waiting for the moment she'll be completely over. I know she is still having a hard time. I just want her to stay strong. I had been there...that kind of feeling so I know how it hurts deep inside. How the torturing of pain seems to be never-ending that it can even wash away your last hope. Learning to be a resilient person taught me that it's not about loss anyway, it's about learning and thinking there are still better things coming my way.

Last night we (together with my mom, my ate and our friend) made our very own tongue twisters and sent them via sms. We made "patama" to some people. Very funny!

Paraphrased from my sent MMS Message this afternoon: *PICTURE* I never played. If I did, I enjoyed the game. I didn't win. I lost. But gaining the pride I had it with you was more than fame. I learned more about fidelity. 721 became my life, my hope and my everything. It was YOU. Thanks.

Was it an end of a beautiful song? I don't think so..

Not For Me

2005-05-20T16:49:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since my last post. I needed to wait for a significant turning point in my life to be able to write something. DSL s*cked a lot so I couldn't blog using my computer. Yesterday I got to relax a bit. I got a treatment for my hair (hair rebuilding) and my night ended up fascinated when I watched "A Cinderella Story".

Pictures...
on my way to Bulacan

with Lola Rosie

Now I'm here, waiting for a brand new day (maybe tomorrow or..?) hoping that all the words I heard perished without me knowing.

The real deal is that I'm far beyond the realm of life. Something real for me now is knowing what I want and what I need regardless of the fact that I get it or not. What gets me mental more often is when I like a certain thing very much, getting it is my next mission. Leaving me desperate after, I would then discover it's not really the big thing I thought it was.

Connection of people as I used to picture before was nothing but a normal playground. They interact with one another, sometimes leaving fake traces, watching sunrise and sunset together and everything will boil down to their intention which is to be HAPPY.

Twisting, turning and afraid that my stare and affection will turn out to be an obsession. The feeling of something real but I tend to deny everything. Like a warrior's mission to fight, but sometimes going home is the best option. Deeply I am getting into something, going crazy, being awake in the middle of the night with a different feeling narrate to a certain sickness: ENTERING THE WORLD OF HIDDEN DESIRES.

To make two halves meet and coming up to a whole strong love can never be my expertise. Ingredients that built magic and casting of spell on me set me trapped to a seem-to-be small world and trying to escape leads me back to admiring, desiring and hoping. Leading myself nowhere, I learned how to balance out things---intention, affection and reality.

Like one night being so silent and as I started my affection to cool down and preparing soon for it to burst out. The intention was to start anew together with a love that will promise to be true. My intention was to share happiness with one person, giving my whole-being, letting what I know is right and promising an everlasting love. To make the perfect scenario tragic, reality entered the door of mystery. It simply wouldn't permit and all the while will dictate leaving a new starting love to dismiss its intention and affection. One day when I finally knew within myself that it was the thing I was looking for, the normal power of reality did blow off the burning flame of my intention, affection and love . I was left frustrated, cold and desolate. I had to think that maybe I was wrong when I crossed out the point of discovering things I could do for this one person and knowing the fact that the call to love I clearly heard and I'm brave enough to enter it. Now my question is, was I defeated by reality? Or not? Still, this is something real for me. Ironically it may seem to be, but I enjoy this. It will always be real for me, believe me.

The Beach

2005-05-11T20:42:00.000+08:00

Got 2 days, one night stay in Batangas. I was impressed with the resort and with Palawan as 10, La Luz resort for me will be 8.

When we arrived there, the very accomodating staff had to check for our reservation. They gave us our key. We headed to our bahay-bahayan (as I would want to call it) to leave our things there. Almost 2:00 PM, we had to take our lunch. The resort served delicious food on buffet.

(I got this picture from La Luz's website. I haven't transferred some pictures from my mobile phone yet.)

I had this thought that my first step on the beach will be very memorable. The water was clear. I felt the warmth of the sun and the way the water played with my skin was so gooood.

Dinner was served by the shore with some relaxing music. It was very romantic. Serene, calm, peaceful as I would describe the ambiance that was there for me to feel. If only I could stop that moment, I will. 16 years living and fitting in this world, I haven't ever felt such. I found a part of me that first day. I got to be more aware of true torture---my problems with family, friends and even love. I learned a lot from them and the fact I was away from Manila, their shadows were there but didn't scare me at all.

QUESTIONS

I'm trying to be a good girl but i cant it seems that there was a problem in my attitude that i cant control.How to erase my traumatic memory can u help me Ayie No one was born bad or rude in this world. It's a matter of knowing who you really are. You are the one responsible for your actions and if you think that something must really be wrong, better change. Not too late, right?
How can i learn to move on?! I want her to be happy but it is sad to see that she is happy with other person rather than me. You hold the answer to your question. Setting someone free is the hardest thing to do in life. Just remember, do not ever let go of the good memories you had with this person. Treasure them. Why? Once in your lifetime, this special person was able to set all your fears, worries and miseries away. Love can give you happiness and pain. Never feel alone, dude. Love never runs out.
I wonder where did you get your question box. I always visit here ala naman e. I got it from my sister’s site and then I installed it here.
Arent't you playing drums anymore? My skills are currently resting for one reason that my drumset isn’t with me right now.

UNSOLVED IN MY HEART

2005-05-06T20:32:00.000+08:00

For a couple of days I got to recharge. I tried how it is to live in a healthy way. I do kickboxing everyday and eat proper diet. I lost pounds not thinking that I'm obligated doing such for I enjoy this change that I had chosen. Good thing I was able to have an agile mind and active reflexes as well.

Around 4 AM and talking to someone on phone, dramatically my mood changed. I would've wanted to just ignore negative echoes yet I couldn't just breathe easily.

I knew right from the start my limits and obligations. I do not say that I can carry all things up. I'm not a god but I guarantee that I'm very dedicated when it comes to those things. And to those people who continue to play their significant roles in my life, I bear with them my love and full honesty.

I FIGHT for those people who I know are worthy enough of any battle. Even if I'll bleed in the end, dead and cannot be resurrected at least I know, I was able to make a change(---something I wanted that brought a good melody to a very beautiful song). To sum up everything, I finally got to be cognizant of the "real" thing I should fight for.

I searched for meaning, said sorry and dismissed my hidden questions. I surmised that all the things I do should also be the one I will get. To make it simpler, I thou shall get what I give.

NOW what I'm thinking of... If they aren't for me, I wouldn't have to make any effort to insist. I ACCEPT. I would not demand anymore, significant other knows what I need then better if he'll know what is for me.

FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN
I went to the nearest bookstore this afternoon to get the book and read it. I finished the book and I find it nice. I learned so many things from it. Very inspiring; I was really moved by it.

"Each of us was in your life for a reason. You may not have known the reason at the time, and that is what heaven is for. For understanding your life on earth."

"Sacrifice. You made one. I made one. We all make them. But you were angry over yours. You kept thinking about what you lost."

"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you"re not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone."

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. Memory becomes your partner. You hold it. Youy nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

Two Souls Connected

2005-05-04T22:53:00.000+08:00

If you make it plain you like people, it's hard for them to resist liking you back.
-Lois McMaster Bujold, Diplomatic Immunity, 2002

Sometimes I think that my life is one complicated maze. I always have to be careful that I might have to start all over again before I can reach my exit. Funny to think that there's something with fiction that makes me go crazy. Most of the time my belief for a thing would only drift just when proven false.

Av came over today. We see each other like three times a week or even more. My family likes her so much. She is like a sister to me already. We like doing many things together.

She is my GIGmate and there was even a time when had the same crush (go drummer boy!). We go to movies and do enjoy what we watch whether it is baduy or not. She introduced how fun it can be when disc scratching is played together by two persons (YEP, that is our latest discovery!). She listens to rock music and I do the same thing. Yet most of the time my mood would delight in hip-hop, I brainwashed her mind and LL COOL J's "Hush" until now is one of our favorite songs.Our condo is one place where we'll usually find ourselves sitting by the couch for entertainment. To satisfy our appetite, I should grab a bag of buttered popcorn for us and heat it inside the microwave. Pop, pop, pop and we're ready to go!

11 months of knowing her and this connection seems unbreakable. I know I am not of any position to say this. Definitely, life is full of uncertainty. People come and go but I should contravene that fact and say that my unswerving devotion is just for someone like her.

NEW SETUP! (picture taken by me this evening with my camera phone's nightmode)

Off the topic: A sofa and a cabinet were delivered here today. This place is one condo chock-full of things. Last week of April, my sister had to join me and my mom here since the contract in her dormitory ended. All the while I was enjoying the good feeling of being spoiled by my mom and now they harass and tease me as they say, "Uy nagseselos."

QUESTIONS

San ka na magccollege? University of Santo Tomas

Galing mo po, pramis! Course mo? Incoming freshman student, AB Journalism

Heart Talk

2005-05-03T00:30:00.000+08:00

It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;-- it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.
-Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

The heart talk we (together with my mom, my ate and my ate's friend) had started late in the evening and it ended 4 in the morning. Even if I have this direful attitude when it comes to boys, I wouldn't ever raise my voice and object. It's one heck disturbing illogicality if I'll say we girls shouldn't live with them.

And yes, my sister's love life is fresh. It reminds me of the very first time I got so in love with a guy when I was in in Year I. Everything between us was fine. Like I saw it as a never-ending love story. When we reached the point of goodbye (that was Year II), I realized, my heart was broken and I had to move away and try to forget him.

Young and beginner of love, pain and tears will always play their respective roles. We shouldn't only understand but try to live with these things. And I will always summon up to this saying that "there's no lasting love without constant sacrifice". Cut!

Being the spokesperson of my sister, I had to crack silence and take my pleasure of telling my mom that my sister has a boyfriend already. Intensed state of emotion I clearly saw from my mom. She wasn't mad at all. She understands the nature of love very well. It's very normal to enter a relationship but this such thing I believe for my sister is a queer situation. My sister's boyfriend is a star. Yes, you can catch him on TV. Last night I got to witness how a big star he is now. Who is he? I cannot tell.

I see there's nothing wrong. Why can there be anyway? I'm very happy for my sister and I'll always be here to support and help her. I hope she will never ever forget what I said to her that she's the one responsible for her own feelings and she should not blame the guy whatever might happen in the end. Hmmm.. Inspired by Paulo Coelho huh?

There are no rules set for love. In a connection of two people, there can never be a model made before their own relationship that they can follow. Many young people love falsely by surrendering themselves right away and the surge of ecstasy starts to mislead them. Love isn't a small thing. It is with the high inducement for the person to ripen, to dicover the best in him and to feel certain of what really love is can make a connection very meaningful. And I am currently at this stage (yikee...stop!).

Off the topic: The QUESTION BOX (located at the site's left sidebar) is back! I missed it huh. You guys know the rule, type your questions there for me and I'll answer them.

CLOSE-OPEN?

2005-05-01T19:09:00.000+08:00

Did I really say goodbye? I thought of closing this site for one reason that I think I've been opening myself to people more than I should. And sometimes, I couldn't post just as much as I wanted for some reasons I will not try to explain here anymore. I should've said this site will be on hiatus because now, it seems like I've brought my self to life. Above all these things, now I want to start anew. I want to continue and share this with you AGAIN.

Getting more than 50 hits per day isn't really bad, right? Absolutely not. I'm proud to say that. Nothing seems to be wrong anyway. Yes, I'm an open-book sort of person. I do not mind what others would think of me but I'll regard each action I do as a reflection of truthfulness, nothing else.

Sorta, I'm bothered. Last night, I did a phone conversation with a close friend of mine. It's normal to talk about things happened in the past. The ending part of not being able to control the fluttering of my lips made me realize that I've been living with my past until this very moment. Ok I repeat, living, but also at the same time I'm learning. I know there's one person out there reading this who can bring this topic and bring up a debate after.

Paraphrased from last night: That was like 7 months ago, like hello? Sure I am always very familiar to what I am getting into and I know for the other, he's on the same flight.

A friend of mine texted me this one:
Never say you're going to if you never will. Never talk about feeling if they're not really there. Never say I love you if you don't really care. Never touch a life if you never meant to break a heart.

When I read that, my head wanted to quiver and my heart wanted to break Last night brought a new life for this day, this day will later bring a new to another day again and the cycle goes on. Each day offers a single chance for me to make everything run. I still go on with it not merely to escape, but to be brave enough and accept the responsibilty I hold for these things and more, for the people I let go carelessly.

Paraphrased from last night: I'm not a player. I'm very transparent, expressive and honest.

I became a product of life's rigidity. I neglect life when it is usually on its imbalanced state that later leads me nowhere. I usually say to my friends, I'm in love with people. My past can readily explain how I held the attraction I had for those people. I used to be the kind of person that when I like you, I'll let you feel it but very soon I usually end up becoming a human rubberband. I can one day come, the other day I'll go.

It was such a disgrace! I wouldn't want to be that kind of person anymore. I feel sorry for those people I had hurt. For those people I wasn't able to keep any friendship burning. I'm sorry to those people I touched but broke their hearts... Last night and today made this realization boom for me.

Off the topic: I made that Brandon Boyd header up there for my special someone when we had tampuhan. Sheesh.

SURVIVING

2005-04-16T19:39:00.000+08:00

"HERE'S to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers,
the round pegs in the square holes,
the ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo.
You can quote them, disagree with them,
glorify of vilify them.
About the only thing you can't do is ignore them.
Because they change things.
They push the human race forward.
And while some may see them as the crazy ones, I see genius.
Because the ones who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. ---Apple computer

Having so many dreams is one thing I carry here that I'm proud to say. I know most of us do dream, but sometimes we always have this fear of seeing the way things really are and just follow the flow---follow what society dictates us.

"BAHALA NA... ETO NA LANG EH.", I get trapped into being a low-spirit person whenever I hear these words from other people. I couldn't help but ask briefly. In reality there will always be a room for you but that doesn't necessarily mean for only a single room. There are so many dwelling place that will offer a lot of surprises. Each has time that will tick as you continue to make change in this world. The one to choose isn't your family, your friend or even destiny. Only you should. Only you can mold your dreams into realities.

Now I want to see things that are on my way clearly. I now set goals for myself to achieve. Am I being so passionate? Yes maybe, but what's the matter anyway? I saw those things that keep me from being free. I now would want to build a room for new dreams.

Let us not be afraid of life. Life's challenges and frustrations are ahead of us. We can make it, if we really want to.

Destiny can be so rebellious... Believe me.

Just Breathe

2005-04-13T14:21:00.000+08:00

I'm really confused. Why things should "stop" just like that. I had a dream (a bad dream! argh) of this moment when I knew I'm no longer in control. WHERE ARE YOU? You know who you are. :( I want to have change. Like my own thoughts would usually say, complete change. Never I was able to make it big. Now to make things simpler---I want a change of heart, mind and soul to be direct.

Taking each situation into consideration, I'm coping up. Actually, destiny is really not a friend. I tried every action to let good things dance using my own tune.

Misery is just staying up so long when I believe it's not its time now. Yes, maybe, just maybe there is something better coming. I hope so...

Off the topic: Two years ago, I used to have a site wherein people can visit and read my own written poems. Down here is a poem I just made this afternoon at exactly 12:47 PM.

A CHANGE OF HEART

Your face is the only thing I envision
For I know it'll share its warmth to me
You never had a moment without your doubting heart
Even if my heart deems to be true

I accept I used to bargain for happiness with you
You never failed to do so I know
You've given more than expected
You know the key to my substantial world

You should but you'll never know
This sudden stop in my world right now
You used to light my way
Where are you now?

It's not easy for me to fight
I tremble and my heart feels guilty
I'm confused why did I let my anger out
All I wanted was to never hide my true feelings over you

I feel so cold right now
I try to sleep on my bed
Memories with you appear so clear
Yet in reality our bond starts to fade

I gladly accepted the call to love
Loving someone like you wasn't hard at all
You were made by my dear Lord up there
Surely you're one of His finest collection

Where am I heading now?
Walking with you is written in my history's pages
Will I survuve and live?
When my past was like to share my life with you

I am not and cannot be perfect
I admit I tried hard still
I cannot do anything, I cannot move on
Now I can promise you one thing

If this love will soon break two hearts
I will never make it happen, let my only heart break
I was made to save you from all rack this world is to offer
Let me sacrifice my own heart for you

A Different Love Story

2005-04-12T19:09:00.000+08:00

"To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten."----texted to me by my mom

I got to finish the movie Before Sunrise (1995 Ethan Hawke, Julie Delpy) this morning. Their love story started on the train. Whew, I wonder why many love story movies begin with lovers meeting on the train. What's with a train anyway?

I should say that this movie is about love at first sight, meeting your soulmate and the action you're going to do if you know that you only have 10 hours to go to be with this person.

If we are faced in this kind of scenario, I know most of us will hold the probability of 90% that we would just ignore the feeling and as we head later in our lives, we will continue to wonder and ask ourselves what would have happened. The movie twisted this thing. They brought a new born love without fear and they felt the great feeling of being in love.

I want to share a beautiful line from Celine (Julie Delpy). Here it is...

"If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, but...who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt."

I'm so fond of action movies but this movie got my attention without the appearances of cars chasing, flying bullets and exploding buildings. Vienna made everything magical and if I have the money, I would want a trip to Vienna. :D

Am I HUNGRY?

2005-04-11T22:46:00.000+08:00

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. ---Mick Jagger
English rock singer (1943)

A realization again...

Letting go is the hardest thing a person could do but holding things so tight doesn't guarantee their complete presence in your life. Forever is breakable. You might not notice that they will soon go their way to slip away from your hands. Mind me, I finally have seen the real meaning of letting go. Not to carry heartaches and pain but rather to learn how to sacrifice. It's with constant sacrifice of letting go, everything doesn't only lead to loss but gain.

Couple of months didn't just come. I believe they happened the way they should be. Now I wonder if I already came at the point wherein I let my OWN SELF GO.

WHAT IF I DID? Am I the worst person alive here on earth? I doubt. Of course not.

And I hate what it takes to deal with emotional freedom. They're there for you to balance them. If you're sick with everything, you will no longer flee on the air and beware of seeing yourself fall down to the ground.

Now I want to heal what is here inside. I have no other way. I wouldn't only wait for time to drift as I cry. It's one heck stupidity. I'm in control. My mind's now very clear.

I reflect and now I know that each raw material I hold will safeguard me from everything I fear. The best thing I've got to realize? To look closely. Look closely and feel what's inside and what it is for. I should see that precious gift I've received after all. Are you that curious? Listen to my heart's hiss... It's worth it after all, I see. You might want to have the same thing too but I'll be very selfish. Pay me $1,000,000? No way for it's priceless. Its foundation was built 8 months ago. Short time? Listen to me, it's the best thing ever made for me.

We should give credit to those things that bring happiness to us. We shouldn't not curse them for letting us feel their aroma for a short span of time. They ARE THAT and we are not always "the boss". There are things we fail to notice which are worth our full attention and dedication. Learn to grasp them and secure them. We might not notice that the happiness they bring for now can be very light but our connection with them entitles us to a lasting and a beautiful forever thing.

WAIT, I will work for things to go right... STILL... :D I am really hungry I guess..

2005-04-10T16:34:00.000+08:00

"Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off... but it’s more fun if you do." ---from the movie CLOSER

We got to see yesterday the movie CLOSER starring Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman, and Clive Owen. The story is about four strangers, their meetings, love attractions and betrayals.

Here are some pictures of us at Delifrance (Rockwell)

WHERE'S THE CATCH?

2005-04-08T13:57:00.001+08:00

Something I just made this afternoon... I'm sorry if this is too sentimental. Urrrgh.

I supplicate for that single touch. The touch that will caress me all over. Not to bicker with reality but for me to convert it into an exquisite imagination.

Not to run but rather to drift. I'm honest I cannot make this without you. I must have forgotten the tear's real meaning and I usually find it crafty whenever I cry. You must know this. But no. You are not even aware. I'm human but I'm not just that. Being plain is not my thing. I want to wander the celestial space we're surrounded with. I wouldn't want to do it without you.

You do not know how it feels whenever I'm with you. You do not know the booming connection I play with me here in my heart just the thought of knowing that one day I will and I can see you again. You do not know how you made a complete change in my life. Yes, you've changed me. I wouldn't know... That I can write something like this just to think about you, you and YOU.

Maybe I was wrong....so wrong that I had the guts to hurt you. I didn't mean it. I am sorry... If I cannot let myself just plunge. The real deal is that fact that I cannot ditch my heartaches anymore. If it is that easy to let them fade, I will. This pain I keep here wants to burst. Another thing, I'm so damn frustrated. I'm a frustrated actress in your magical love story.

I know the history of dreams. Even their shadows are extensive. Believe in me. Please learn to trust me. I would like to take your hand and be with me. All your dreams and mine will be easy if we'll take them as one. If we learn to try, live, go, love... I know we can make it.

No one can compensate the connection that we have. For me, this is a tough connection. No matter how hard things for us would go, I would still hold on. Don't worry, just listen to what I'll say now. You're just enough... Wait, was I really jealous last night? :D

I made this one using MS Paint.

2005-04-06T18:32:00.000+08:00

1) You may not believe in love at first sight and love being such a complicated question, I would not blame you. But how about a few hours?

It can happen. But I think it isn't the LOVE bomb already. It's like a new born love that you've just experienced and yet you already lost your defenses and you're willing to fall even harder. I've experienced that...and now still on the go!

2) Is the whole concept of "obsession" just wrong? What if you were prepared to commit to obsessing for an eternity?

I do not think obsession can be wrong if love is there to guide you after all. Balance should give a helping hand. If two halves meet, a whole will be built. That whole is a strong connection that will enable eternity to be witnessed by two people who are so in love with each other.

3) Don't you have a right to expect full honesty in love, if you have offered the same?

Do not expect. For me, love is unconditional. You do not choose who the person you want to fall in love with. So when you feel it, finally...Go...Enjoy the feeling, love, love and love. Again, do not expect. If it's one true love, it has its way to let you feel what contentment really is even he does it in a very simple way. It will still be the best thing for you.

4) Love may be universal, but why is this concept of "love" so different when you cross various continents?

For love is very mysterious. It's magical. You do not know what are the ingredients of its spell. This is something you must ponder upon.

5) Making a fool of yourself for love is the norm, but is it proper?

There is no general rule for love to not go fool, right? Love isn't harmful and you're responsible for your own feelings. You're old enough and you shouldn't blame the other. Sometimes we stand by and think of a moment in life that we had in our past. We reflect about what we could've done to make it better, to enjoy more or to take the best of it. Well that's how life works. We must think a second before doing something that can change our life because there isn't a second opportunity.
That's part of the game that knows no limits.

6) Not ready for love? Well, get ready! Are there more important things in life?

Live with love inside your heart. Let the deep burning flame of love lead your way. Love your god, family, friends and that special someone of yours in the best way you can.

7) How do you move on with so many unanswered questions?

Live life. No one was born with intelligence to be perfect in this life. You'll find all the answers to your questions as you continue on to your journey in life.

2005-04-03T12:01:00.000+08:00

GOT FRESH FROM MY QUESTION BOX!
Q: Do you have a boyfriend?
A: Someone special? :D

Q: Ok ka na ba?
A: Ok na ako. Sobrang masigla na ulit! Thanks.

GUYS KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS! Thank you!

If nobody cared just a little for you,
And nobody thought about me,
And we all stood alone in the battle of life,
What a dreary old world it would be.

The poem up there is a reflection of the substance that I got to realize last night. Let me just say that we all see the remodeling of life---the closet part of it almost everyday if we are very close to our inner feeling. On the contrary, some people fail to see LIFE and its real meaning for it is often misunderstood and worse, unperceived.

I know that the way I think differs from all others. Sometimes I wonder what if my words are like bullets that wouldn't even reach any target. I usually ask to myself, "What if my creations will fail people and their impression will turn their backs from me?" But the worse thing would be is, when I'll start to think that I'm not making any excellent direction and I'll stumble to set myself silent.

FEAR is one thing that cannot be put into death. It has a hookup to LIFE. See whenever we watch horror movies? Eventhough we know that we'll end up scaring ourselves and the appearance of sleepless nights will follow, still we would want to witness the blood and scary faces. We start then closing our eyes on bed and pretend that we've forgotten every scene that we've watched on screen. After 5 days, 3 days or a single night, its mark wouldn't throw us to death anymore. We would know how to deal with it. We would then wait for another "exciting" horror movie again. Funny to think. Why is this habit unending? Maybe because finally we see, we hear and we feel something that can make us feel alive.

The lesson I see here is LET FEAR befriend you but learn when to let go. FEAR is something we should face for we'll learn from it. Fear is something we have to let go when we want a beautiful life journey.

My life wanders in two opposite directions---love and letting go. Right now, I learned to love and to let go my fear to love. I'm not only making a hit on the "love relationship" but also my relationship to myself.

I want to be a person who'll love not beacause I see it as L.O.V.E. Normal NO NO. I want to be a lover not only because I see love as an inevitable connection. LOVE.... I accept its call for I see its way to be magnificent. I see its way to be poweful and ready to make change into my life and the person I'm spending it with.

I believe that I'm bound to make a difference. And I want to start now, even in a very simple way. And I WON'T STOP.

2005-04-01T15:06:00.000+08:00

FINALLY! I got a DSL connection! *_*

You can now ask questions to me by typing them on the question box. I'll answer them, REALLY!

Summer just've have started last March 20 and the bomb I got hospitalized 2 days after. I felt a sudden chest ache and then I was confined. They did a couple of heart tests to me.

Now I'm here, stuck in this condo. I do not think I will go home to Cavite this month. Maybe next month but I hold a small probability.

I don't feel like writing at this moment. Actually, the habit DIED. Not really! NO PLEASE! Harrrr... Soon, EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.

2005-03-18T18:58:00.000+08:00

GRADUATION

Tomorrow will be our GRADUATION DAY. I say CONGRATULATIONS to all my batchmates and of course, to everyone who'll be graduating this year.

I can still recall the very first day of school where I was a new student. Everything in me back then was like a heavy air that I couldn't even bare to release. I was very afraid of everyone. I was afraid of speaking to someone that I might have a different mark on her. Days full of pretentions came by. But one day came and I end up knowing something. I wasn't doing things just to please people. I started to see that I did stumble at the point of getting to know my REAL self. I learned how to handle things, to make friends and to realize how change in life can let you feel the good conviction of being alive.

There are so many things I cannot forget. First, will be, the "culture shock" that happened to me first week of school that now I just giggle whenever I think of. I find it funny now. I know most people cannot relate to this so maybe there's no need for me to expound. Second, my being "saling-pusa" to a barkada at first and I felt bad about it. A day came (FINALLY haha) when we end up not only exchanging stories but rather getting to know both parties and buliding a strong bond called friendship. "A world cannot be really plain", I said to myself. Third, the busy streets of Taft Avenue, Leon Guinto and Kapitan Ticong. I first stayed in a domitory for almost 2 years and I smoked out that I myself can be independent without my mother. I worried for the pounds I used to gain one day and another but still nothing can control me to cross to the street of Taft Avenue for Mc Donald's fried chicken, KFC's Zinger Meal and CHICKEN STRIPS MEAL even if after digesting them, I'll feel guilty being so piggy. Harhar. Fourth, the assualt of the "rebel Ayie". When I started to question things and hacked them without any second thought. I felt I was the silent god of the parties in Ermita and the vast tank of alcohol and smoke. Fifth, moving into a new condominium and living a new life. I got to reflect and see what's really happening to me, to my life and how can I cure everything. Lastly, the halcyon day of my life! I finally did fathom the real meaning of life and everything. I showed importance not only to myself but also to the people arround me. I got to be known by others and I got to know them to. I finally set a gist for education for it's one thing that can never be taken away from me. I owe it to my teachers, my classmates, friends and to my family who supported me.

I'm of mixed emotions right now. No need to ask, I feel so happy. After a long time staying in high school, finally, everything is over. Now I can say, I've made it...We've made it. And I feel very proud.

Special memories St. Scho bestowed me will always be inside my heart. Partly, I honestly feel sad for I will miss the days that had been a smashing routine of my life. I should now ready myself for college life. A new den will offer me a new beginning. One morning I will wake up and it will dope me out for new faces and smiles. That's life for change is something inevitable that we could not frustrain.

Off the topic:
My friend and I went to the mall today. We bought graduation gifts for our friends. My mood went different...For it rained. Awww

2005-03-16T19:33:00.000+08:00

I DID NOT CHEAT!

It takes a minute to lose trust a hell long moment to bring it back.

It hurts so much. I know, I did a couple of things that had hurt someone. I've been so careless of my actions these days. I feel sorry...

Let me ask you this... Is it natural for one person to be weak? Is it natural for one person to not be able to resist to temptation?

Initially, when someone cheated on you, you will feel that this person disregarded your love and broke your trust. It's normal. But yet, I do not agree that "LIKING" another person is a way of CHEATING.

It's normal to admire. It runs in our human blood. It's normal to get fascinated to those people we're surrounded with. What can be wrong is the way we "set" or rather "release" admiration. I learned from it. NOW I STATE HERE AGAIN.

NOW I SAY, that having an affair is far different from the example I set above. I didn't intend to make a new affair... I DID NOT! And I did not MAKE A NEW AFFAIR!

I longed for a fresh start but apparently things cannot be of any way to build what I have wished for. Things went very wrong for me. Still, I would never ever cross the line that I will regret these things that happened to me. I learned from my experience... To love and at the same time, to let go when it wishes to.

I'm done.......

Kelly Clarkson---"LOW"

Everybody's talking But they don't say a thing They look at me with sad eyes But I don't want the sympathy It's cool you didn't want me Sometimes you can't go back Why'd you have to go and make a mess like that I just have to say Before I let go Have you ever been low Have you ever had a friend that let you down so When the truth came out Were you the last to know Were you left out in the cold 'Cause what you did was low No, I don't need your number There's nothing left to say Except I never thought it'd hurt this much to be safe My friends are outside waiting I've gotta go I walk out of this darkness With no sense of regret And I go without precautions We both know that you can't say that Just to show For all the time I loved you so So

2005-03-14T19:20:00.000+08:00

Romantic love is an illusion. Most of us discover this truth at the end of a love affair or else when the sweet emotions of love lead us into marriage and then turn down their flames.
~~~Thomas Moore

2005-03-12T18:11:00.000+08:00

We had our BATCH RECOLLECTION this morning. It was inspiring. Eventhough there were some "kwentos" that interfered my willingness to listen. We had the holy mass after. Initially, I did not know for what purpose was that mass for. I knew it was sort of THANKSGIVING and PRAISE to the Lord. Finally after 4 years staying in high school, next week we SENIORS will be GRADUATING. 1st degree of realization set me back to my previous question---the TRUE MEANING. What heaven sent for me I cannot explicate right now for a sudden change of ambience led me to knowing and feeling the REAL MEANING OF EVERYTHING. That GOD will always continue to bless me; to guide me; and to love me for whatever kind of person I may be.

Good or bad; one can change its distinctiveness. One person might feel (like what I feel most of the time) that he did the worst thing ever and have offended God badly but after everything he then feels so sorry, does repent and offers God a deeper and more powerful love. What if there goes another person who did nothing yet nothing changed on the way he sees life? Like its authenticity is ordinary like the way he loves God. Now, can you figure out what I am trying to say? The first person is better for me. He learned and made a good drastic change in his life.

I watched CONSTANTINE in the afternoon. It was about the battle between angels and demons. I digested the movie. Self-sacrifice is the certain thing that I can say the best thing from the movie that I got. Self-sacrifice has a driving force that can make many things change. One example could be LIFE OF OTHERS.

College Entrance Exams

2005-03-02T22:01:00.000+08:00

Graduation is about to come. Final exams will start on Monday and the DELIBERATION will come next. Marching this March is really a big event for a Senior.

Anyway, if you don't know yet where you're going, any road will take you there! Actually, being undecided isn't bad. By all means, pick what you enjoy about, what you like doing and what you're gifted with.

Results of COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM from UP, Ateneo and DLSU are all out now. You'll get the initial hint and preparation on where school you want to enroll. I think the feeling of a person who took a test from any of these three "big schools" and not being able to pass and accepted is REALLY BAD; at first. But ok, why can't we look further?

I remember the day when La Salle first released the results. Monday came and those people who passed acted like there was a big celebration. Of course, they should really be happy. It's a very big accomplishment. While on the other side, I heard some comments from those people who didn't get in. One said, "Depressed ako. Wala na akong future."

Was that the end of the world for that person? For that circle? Might be. But I firmly stand, it shouldn't be. There are still a lot of opportunities this world is about to give. Being good in academics played a major role on why you passed. But that doesn't end there. Actually, I see some people who are studying in a good university but on the other side of my mind a question "why". It doesn't mean that you are smarter than those who didn't. Passing the entrance exam SHOULDN'T BE THE BASIS OF ONE'S INTELLIGENCE like what an online blogger also said. You passed, you got in, but the question is, "How long will you stick to your course?" Think twice.

Goals are objectives we achieve. Think briefly of your current goals. Confidence shouldn't be broken down into pieces when you failed your goal to pass the entrance exams. On the lighter side, you should know that you are different in so many ways. There are things that only you yourself got and you'll always stand out from the rest.

2005-03-01T15:47:00.000+08:00

Just came home from school. I feel bad. Like a desperate sober. Aww. I feel so depressed. I know days will be normal for me. I ain't feeling anything anymore. I don't feel like I want to live. I'm tired of everything. I can smile but a closer look will kill those echoes outside.

Here goes a song from USHER that I like... "FINAL GOODBYE"

It's time to say goodbye It's over now It's time to say goodbye Is there a reason why our love could not last I ask was it too strong for you to hold on pretty LadyI thought we had a master plan But it takes a stronger man to walk away Than to watch our love fade away I often wonder how and whyI did not cheat I did not lie I hope you know how hard I tried But it's over for now It's time to say goodbye [Chorus] I can't believe how suddenly things change Yesterday we were in love but all I feel were HeartachesAnd pain Day and night I tried deep inside to work things out But in my heart I knewI still had my doubts I thought we made a symphony It's over now no more harmony I prayed so hard for love to fly (oh yeah) It's time to say goodbye Ooh bye bye bye bye bye [Chorus] Sorry I gotta leave Baby I'm beggin' please Ooh yeah yeah yeah Bye bye bye bye

"MOMENT OF OUR LIVES"
4-Life GRADUATION SONG

The voices that live inside our hearts Are singing the different stories of our lives And today these voices meld in harmony To offer this hymn of farewell and gratitude Chorus: Here we are in this moment of our lives In a different time a place To a new way of living We strive to carry on your name and forever we'll remember your ways despite goodbye You've given us the message of life Through our memories of sadness and joy And your lessons will stretch beyond our exodus A chapter in life that awaits us You who gave the opportuntiy to take each step with certainty Led us to the gate Flung open wide by destiny For years we've stayed with you our Alma Mater guided by your radiant heart and blessed soul... Goodbye...Goodbye...(fades)

We had the Graduation Song Contest this afternoon. Our class 4L, won 3rd place. 3rd place? Yeah. OUR GRAD SONG IS STILL THE BEST for me...for 4L! Wooohoo.

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE VALUES OUR PARENTS GIVE US?

2005-02-26T18:08:00.000+08:00

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind. --- William James

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE VALUES OUR PARENTS GIVE US?
That's the question that's currently on my mind. Mind me not, but right now I'm so addicted with freedom's dynamic power to express. I HATE PEOPLE WHO GET THINGS WHO AREN'T THEIRS.

Should I use the word STEAL? I believe that one person who steals even the smallest thing casts down his own integrity as an individual. Nobody here on earth might be mindful of what business you're doing but I guess the person UP THERE is so up-to-date, up-to-the-minute alert to the actions you fudge together.

There are so many issues of stealing that I bumped with and I can't set this one free. My NIKE RUBBER SHOES IS MISSING. I know THE WHOLE STORY happened after including THE PERSON who chose to keep it and use it even having the knowledge; the wild fact that the pair of shoes belongs to ME. I'm not after the price. Even if it might only cost a single centavo whatsoever, the fact that knowing someone else owns it, I think it's so off to use it and be a hypocritical rogue that it belongs to you. VALUES PLEASE and wait, ego?

I came home to Cavite last night. My mom did some preparations coz our relatives from the States will be coming over there on Friday. I just relaxed the whole night with my cellphone on my ear and enjoyed the pleasure Sun Cellular 24/7 gave me.

I went back here to Manila this morning to see my ka-barkada who are also my groupmates for PHYSICS CELEBRATION OF LEARNING. We did a video "BASKETBALL" by Viva Hot Babes and applied Physics concepts . It was fun!

I feel recharged right now. I still have to edit some write-ups of my batchmates for the PAX (yearbook). There are so many write-ups that I have to edit and the school wants it on Monday! The heck. I'm in love with words, but this is so.... Ah... stop. Monday, are you sure? Wahwahwah...

2005-02-22T19:17:00.000+08:00

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."--- Anais Nin

Love.. A word that has a wide definition. A thing that binds so many people, one way or another. Love caused me happiness and now, finally I tasted its bitter-sweet taste. A connection between two people has 2 levels. First is the way you two talk. It's explainable. The second is something you can't explain anymore neither in words. It's a feeling and a run of emotion that you two would throwback to each other. With a single stare, with a single touch, with a single move or action, you wouldn't even know that you're finally touching one's life in a very special way.

How can we be aware of that? When JUST this morning... I finally got to realise that each person has a different reality from all others...

Rarrr... Don't be physically present but insensitive enough to hear. MY POINT! I'm becoming numb and my being is getting its day-to-day torture. The hell freezes over while new flames of hell starts to surround me and cover me up.

I want to get back to the person I was. The question is, HOW? So here goes the problem. I can't deal with my temper anymore. I get mad easily and sometimes I would scream out loud and hurt THAT person. Yes, physically.

What's bothering me then? The effect of it... GODDAMN! The effect of the heck I'm doing. I want to stop, I REALLY WANT TO.

I'm not the woman that person fell in love with. I'm afraid I might duck all the chances and the opportunities right there behind that single door. If only I can befriend TIME. Sorry, no way would let me. Soon....everything will be gone...EVERYTHING will have their own act of "goodbye".

I don't fear that moment. I just fear its shadow... That it will bother me until my last breath.

I want to have loads of fun and excitement in my life. How I wish.. Everyday is normal. If the world would do its worst, I'll stumble and die. Yeah whatever! I want to recharge. This pain lets me feel I'm alive...To feel that I'm alive for no reason...for no purpose.. I want to breathe... The air that would kill my being.. my everything.. all the dried roses I planted one night.

21...21...21...

2005-02-21T19:45:00.000+08:00

"I shut my eyes in order to see.."

Things I got today...

a toblerone chocolate
2 cakes (blueberry and strawberry cheesecake)
a very beautiful card

THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Sometimes I don't sound like I appreciate things...I'm sorry if some people think that way. But I do appreciate, so much. I just do not know how to react. Anyway, I find everything SWEET...very sweet!

Eventhough everything wasn't enough to make my day, still alright. Am I happy? Don't ask me that question...I might say the wrong answer.

I feel like something's missing. I know it's just there... just there... upon my reach. I don't know what move will I make. I'm afraid I'll lose everything by a single thing that I;m going to do. I was never free... I plea for freedom...

I have no one to talk to. I have no one to whom this heart would cling to. I'm deprived by someone with this freedom I'm asking. I'm more than a deserted place. My chest wants to explode. And my heart, I couldn't feel it anymore...

BALIW Ano, ba itong napasok ko? Nang makilala ka'y nag-iba ang mundo, nabura lahat sa pangingin, walang nais intindihin kundi itong damdamin sa yo Ano, ba itong dinulot mo? Buong araw, pati gabi, ikaw sa isip ko, ikaw lamang sa paningin, at syang nais intindihin, nasisiraan yata ako Ikaw ang lagi sa isipan ko, walang iba sa puso ko, baliw yatang umibig sayo. Ikaw ang hanap bawat sandali, nakikita na lang lagi, baka may sira ang isip ko mapapansin mo kaya itong baliw sa yo.Ano kayang magagawa nito? Isang ngiti mo lang sa kin, natutunaw ako, nauubusan ng hangin, nauutal na bigkasing, nagmamahal ng todo sa yo

I LOVE THAT SONG!

2005-02-20T14:38:00.000+08:00

Seeing yourself as you want to be is the key to personal growth...

Ah..hello...I want to freak out. For no purpose. Ah..yeah..

Why is it that I don't find myself in anger's real deal? Let all the beasts fade and I find myself standing still. I shed tears to fill that empty jar of my own emotion's graveyard. I got nothing to do, but to hate... Things did change..

The real world... I'm living in. Not that I do not want to live here, NOT THAT. But if ever I'll have any power...the gift of seeing things that only I myself could, or only few people could, it will be a better den for me. At least I know, it is more real..more real than this world.

I believe in myself... And I still doubt if it's true that I really believe in myself or I'm one of those people who are trying to put me down. Ifonly I could pierce.. pierce exactly that angle of elevation of my weirdest different self. Then maybe, I won't ask for these things and their right answers. But as my journey goes on, in time, I'll find exactly that thing.

It's such a threat to one's self when he doesn'teven know how to trust his own self. What then, cling to the society he's surrounded with? What if still, there's no such thing he's looking for. I'm that kind of person...I don't know how to trust. Yes it's true...The thing I hold I know, we're made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future... Did I make sense or not? See what I'm trying to say...

2005-02-13T15:55:00.000+08:00

Heya! I'm back. Actually, I got home from Palawan yesterday afternoon. It was fun! I REALLY HAD FUN OVER THERE! I want to make kwento pa but I don't know where to start. HAHA weird me! It will be a very long story. Anyway, here are some pictures I can share with you. The pic quality isn't that good. Something might be wrong with the hella scanner. Oh well...just take a look.

So, that's it. Currently disturbed...............

............ bye .................

2005-02-08T17:49:00.000+08:00

Patterning your life around other's opinions is nothing more than slavery.
Lawana Blackwell, The Dowry of Miss Lydia Clark, 1999

I do not know why most of the time I'll end up arguing with the person I'm having a talk with. I feel like nowadays I become more aware to the things I believe in and how the way they SHOULD be treated. Like Mark Twain said, "Our opinions do not really blossom into fruition until we have expressed them to someone else."

Ok, I'm only human and I'm prone to make mistakes. But that doesn't tell me to stop there. I still do things that will balance out the other. I throw up the WRONG road with some good sand.

And I hate it. Why are some people SO USER-FRIENDLY. They're acting like GODS, but the hell, they're not even pleasant. The way they act are bullshit. I'm sorry for the word.

Just this morning (after recess), my "friend" and I got to see this two people. Hmmm... I used to say words of hell without one of the 2 people knowing. My head gets mental after. But the moment I SAW THE PERSON again, what was on my mind......... "You look funny. A stupid faggot.....Who looks to spare time with embarrassing discovery."

Tell me that I'm mean. I'm just telling what I SEE...... That person gave that impression anyway!

With my current mood... my mood's black. Ahahaha. No kidding. Oh yeah, I'm tired of everything and already at the peak of giving up. One step more, I'll fall and break my legs. But now, I'm brave enough to say I'VE DONE MY PART. I got no regrets with expressing my true feelings. I had always been honest... and whenever I try to hide the truth, it's my way of saving something from big explosion that will affect two people who are so deeply in love wtih each other. Wrong? I don't think so. Now I see no other way but to just continue and let this grow the way IT wouldwant to and not the way I WANT it to. That's life, maybe.

Yeah NOW I CAN BLOG!

2005-02-05T09:50:00.000+08:00

I thought things would pass. Now I'm stuck and I can't find any way where I could go. I used to regret things but also on the other hand, I got to learn that regreting something won't lead you anywhere. If only...If only...Then I won't ever cross the line where I'll get to know the real me behind all these masks on my face.

The real deal is, do I even know? Or am I just too scared. I am half the woman I felt like I was. I'm always afraid.... I feel I'm turning into ice. Things are starting to appear hazy and vague. Uh-oh. Now I do not even know what future for me is to come. I know I'll find relief soon. I know it's on the air for me, it's not yet within my reach but at least.

Soon I'll be graduting from HS. My life of course won't stop there. I'm ready for change. It would be a strong phase of beginning---a beginning to reach all my dreams. Journalism is the course I got for college. I remember one classmate of mine said, "Utak dapat ginagamit sa pagpili ng course. Hindi kasi ako dun sa passion ko....Dun ako sa alam ko kikita ng malaki..." I know there's no way to buddy up Mr. WRITE and I'm not after the money. What I'm after for is the pride. Right now I have no pride to share what I write to the world and get a crack from them. I know my words are just PLAIN words from a person like me who's so frustrated to write, write and write. Sooner or later I believe...these words would all come out from a shell to divulge...

"HUSH"-LL COOL J U feel so goodRest of my life i wish i could Hold u tight and take a flight out the hood Was i foul or just misunderstood? Mind-mannered or up to no-good It really doesnt matter, either way i should Maximize the moment and hold ya close Jump in the drop spider and cruise down the coast Who loved u the most? I was never ghost When lives was on the line Confusion in ya mind Runnin outta time Drama of all kind But theres faith in our mind We spiritually inclined Sometimes i flip Sometimes u flip Sometimes we wild out and act like lunatics We movin too fast, the whole world's in a rush Everybody just hush...

Currently my fave song. Bow.

Suuuuubiiiic!

2005-01-22T17:31:00.000+08:00

Heya we went home from Subic yesterday afternoon. Stayed there for 2 days. It's a camp for SENIORS in our school. We built our own tents for sleeping. Academic challenges were given too and soooo many activities. It was fun actually. :)

I kinda feel excited too, coz I'll soon be leaving for Palawan and I'll be there 3 days 2 nights! :) EE class! Wooo! Yeeehaaah!!!

Jewel-"Foolish Games" ------------may naiisip ako tuwing naririnig ito! Naku. SARILI KO!

You took your coat off and stood in the rain You were always crazy like that I watched from my window Always felt I was outside looking in on you You were always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say Besides some comment on the weather Well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see This is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees These foolish games are tearing me apart Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart You're breaking my heart You were always brilliant in morning Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee You philosophies on art, Baroque moved you You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones As I clumsily strummed my guitar You'd teach me of honest things Things that were daring, things that were clean Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean So I hid my soiled hands behind my back Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself These foolish games are tearing me apart You're tearing me, tearing me, tearing me apart Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart You're breaking my heart You took off your coat and stood in the rain You were always crazy like that

WHY DO I PLAY? I admit. Damn me! I know, I play games and it scares me---a lot. I'm scared that if I stop playing, I'll be out of the run. I love the beginnings of relationships although I most likely see everything as just very close to FLING. You know what I mean. But now, let me say that everything's REALLY DIFFERENT. So apart from all those things I had before. I hate myself. I haven't evolved fully into my own life to actually make a decision as a mature adult. I allow myself to get really close so fast but then it's like something inside of me snaps. I start to pull away, almost withdraw completely and then, just as the man involved has almost given up, I snap back like a human rubber band. Then that person will give up and the cycle goes on. Another person... I wind up alone. FINALLY I found one person who I know WON'T GIVE UP ON ME... I feel sorry, coz my disease is still here... Now I'd rather stop torturing myself and the person involved. I WANT TO CHANGE-COMPLETE CHANGE. Now I'm facing the TWO OPTIONS on how to live our lives. We can base our lives on love or we can base our lives on fear. My behavior is definitely based on the latter. I've been so enslaved by FEAR when I chose it and I'm not capable anymore of choosing what's best for me and for that person.

I will continue to love............... I will.

2005-01-03T15:11:00.000+08:00

I caught Panaghoy Sa Suba with my family yesterday in Glorietta. It has a very beautiful set! The movie was filmed in Bohol. Although I didn't see a good chemistry between Cesar Montano and her lady Juliana Palermo, Juliana Palermo is still, still, still SO HOT! If I were a lesbian, no doubt I would have a big crush on her. :) But the movie's JUST THAT. The story is very dull. Very bad.

I got to watch this movie last December 31. Yes, a very GreatGoodBeautiful movie! Aheheh.

My dad left for Taiwan this morning for work. Classes will start again tomorrow. Urk. ^_^

2004-12-29T17:25:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wonder if there's such a person with a stone of heart? I do. When one person starts to cry, for sure an initial conclusion would be something wrong must have happened. I now ponder upon those days I shed tears. Tears of joy do happen but I believe it’s still a joke associated with coincidence. Yes I do think now that a single tear is an ally of sadness. Yeah, MOST OF THE TIME.

I remember one day when I was sitting in school for my Christian Living Education subject. Our teacher said about that “chick” stuff and it simply explicated that HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE. Starting that day, I found myself believing on it as I continue to journey in my life.

Just last midnight (I think), I got to talk to my friend on the phone. My belief of such entity started to change. Yeah right, how can you go on with your life and say you’re happy and you’d always want to be happy when difficulties one by one starts to show up? So neglect them and let yourself be moronic? I don’t think so.

Why not be real and magnify each one’s pain; your pain? I’m sure the world won’t turn its back on you. Still there will be ONE, TWO or THREE people who’ll carry you through. Never feel alone, you’ll never be.

Off the topic: I’m so inspired with writers right now. I currently like Ricky Lee. He’s our very own. He wrote lines for movies Bagong Buwan, So Happy Together and a lot more. So Happy Together took him 2 days to make. Isn’t that great? I’m still a frustrated writer. Urk. ^_^

I watched these movies...

I rate it: 6/10

I rate it: 8/10

Uh-oh! I got to open something. Shitz.

2004-12-27T16:30:00.000+08:00

MY ROOM!

you hold the answer deep within your own mind. consciously you've forgotten it. that's the way the human mind works. whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it. we erase it from our memory. but the imprint is always there...

Oh yeah I got to open an old journal site of mine. It's weird. Very. I dunno. Why are some people so fond of denying? As if I'm one of them! Ummm maybe. I dunno. Yet, ok maybe I just don't want to bring back things that HAPPENED. What for? Though I've forgotten one thing: TO ACCEPT.

The desire to forget every single memory between me and that person that I'm ensnared with right now is simply hard to discard. No matter how unmindful I am with those things that did occur, each single memory still has its own soul that wouldn't perish. All those things have been living inside me for a long time. Yeah, I don't mind still but I got to learn...Yeahboy. I'm thankful and still very for finding someone new that I see very special.

I'm very happy right now. Belated MERRY CHRISTMAS!

God- Nandyan Ka alam ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano makakapagmasalamat sayo. Simple na lang siguro. Yung ingatan at alagaan ko lahat ng binigay mo para sa akin. Alam ko ang bawat bagay na iyon. Salamat. Gagawin ko lahat para maging karapat-dapat. Ngayon lang ako naging ganito kasaya sa buhay ko. Nararamdaman Kita dahil sa kanila.
Family- Patuloy kayo sa pagmamahal at pagbibigay. Kung anu ako ngayon, dahil sa inyo. At sa pagtanda ko, kasama ko lahat ng mga bagay nagawa nyo para sa akin. At lahat ng gagawin ko ay para sa inyo. Hindi lang para ipagmalaki ako kundi para din maparamdam ko sa inyo kung gaano ko kayo kamahal.
Friends- Sorry kung hindi ako nakakapagkeep in touch. Kilala nyo kung sino kayo. 9 years na tayong lahat halos magkakaibigan. Sa mga pumunta sa States, nakakamiss kayo! Sa mga bago kong naging kaibigan na tumulong sa akin (mahirap i-explain), mahal ko din kayong lahat.
YouKnowWho- Salamat sa mga natutunan ko sayo. Kahit malabo minsan, masaya pa rin. At yun ang tanging bagay na nagbibigay buhay sa bawat araw ko. Alam mo kaya yun? Malamang hindi! Haha! Andito lang ako, patuloy at walang sawang magmamahal.
AYOS BA? TAGALOG NA TAGALOG!

Off the topic: I'm currently sick. Sore throat (WHAT'S NEW?!). I hope I'll be well soon.

2004-12-12T17:09:00.000+08:00

Heya... Christmas is coming. Alright. I woke up this morning feeling OK. Hmmm... Wide definition for it I can't state anymore! Uhummm... Christmas... Wahoooo... Nothing. Merry Christmas in advance!

I have a lot of stories to tell, though I'm not deprived byby someone to tell it here, I still don't feel comfortable doing. WhatttTHE..... I miss my drums... I miss playing it..... Waaaaahhhhh I hope I can bring my drums at our house here in Manila all the way from Cavite. Waaaaahhhh I wanna go home to Cavite instead! Christmas break is soon anyway.

The set I'm planning to complete... Hopefully soon....

Drums: Of course, still my Pearl oh Pearl... Forum Series... Woooosh....
A
7 x 14 Snare Acrylic with vents
B
6 x 10 Tom
C
14 x 16 Tom
D
22 x 22 BassDrum
Cymbals: Zildjan
1
14" A Custom Mastersounds Hi-Hat
2
20" Z Custom Medium Crash
3
21" A Sweet Ride Brilliant
4
20" Z Custom Medium Crash
5
18" Oriental China Trash
Hardware
DW Gold Plated - DW 5000 BD PedalLatin Percussion Rock Cowbell

Sticks
Zildjan Hickory with Wood Typ or a Vic Firth Sticks again!

Drummers I admire *claps*:

Travis Barker

Danny Carey

Cindy Blackman

I want to play the drums forever. Someday I will be in the music industry and hopefully, get famous. What's wrong in dreaming anyway? I wouldn't stop... Until it will come true.

2004-12-11T14:12:00.000+08:00

A song for someone very close to my heart...

You'll Be Safe Here Rivermaya (Words and Music: Rico Blanco) Nobody knows Just why we're here Could it be fate Or random circumstance At the right place At the right time Two roads intertwine And if the universe conspired To meld our lives To make us Fuel and fire Then know Where ever you will be So too shall I be Chorus: Close your eyes Dry your tears 'Coz when nothing seems clear You'll be safe here From the sheer weight Of your doubts and fears Weary heart You'll be safe here Remember how we laughed Until we cried At the most stupid things Like we were so high But love was all that we were on We belong And though the world would Never understand This unlikely union And why it still stands Someday we will be set free. Pray and believe Chorus: When the light disappears And when this world's insincere You'll be safe here When nobody hears you scream I'll scream with you You'll be safe here Save your eyes From your tears When everything's unclear You'll be safe here From the sheer weight Of your doubts and fears Wounded heart When the light disappears And when this world's insincere You'll be safe here When nobody hears you scream I'll scream with you You'll be safe here In my arms Through the long cold night Sleep tight You'll be safe here When no one understands I'll believe You'll be safe, You'll be safe You'll be safe here Put your heart in my hands You'll be safe here

2004-12-05T15:36:00.000+08:00

So what's been happening lately? I'm currently into reading past issues of Reader's Digest and writing a lot of things. I want to extract stuffs that are on my mind. I want to develop more of this "gift" that I believe I got to get. I feel so inspired doing these things lately and also setting my priorities.

A new show, SPIRITS, will be up starting tomorrow on ABS-CBN CH2 . Not only do I think this teleserye being different and breathtaking would want me to watch it, but also the fact that Michelle is one of its main casts. She has that pretty face, the talent and the "K". Visit her official site ok? HAHA... I haven't updated it for years! Although I have time for it... I don't update it. But why? Hmmm I don't know. Weird me! Michelle..Michelle..Michelle..!!!

I was lonely this morning... I made something.

2004-12-03T13:05:00.000+08:00

I hope tears will perish right away just when the moment I rest my soul to peace and pretend everything works right for me. I can't please anyone, even my own reflection that I see on the mirror.

True happiness for me before was very light. I didn't expect things to work the way I'd want them to. For I know, no matter what I do, they'll always have their way to leave me desperate and so desolate.

Life is cruel. It captivates this innocent soul of mine and acceptance is the only way I can free my soul from distraction.

Life on the other way taught me different things-the three things for survival: dream, love and hope.

I learned that dreaming is mainly composed of two things; the guts to mold what you dream for and the power to make it happen. At least in dreaming, I'm able to get what I want and hold that thing with my bare hands, until I'd want to... Even until forever.

Back to reality, still there are certain things I'd want to REALLY happen. But couple of things permit me not. Sometimes I fear that I myself sooner or later will do an effigy of myself. See, I'm trapped.

Loving... What is it in loving that makes me go crazy and so much in love with this act of loving? I'm not ashamed that I've cried so many tears already and had been hurt for so many times. I remember one day when I asked myself why I was rejected. Another thought came right after and it was, "Didn't I also have rejected someone before?" The answer was YES. I got to know then, that love has a cycle. Whatever it is, we just always have to ride the truck and be ready of any accidents the are bound to happen for love entails a lot of risk.

If I'll be hurt by love this time, I won't curse love anymore. This feeling I feel right now is different. I feel so complete because I've opened my doors for love and now I'm in love and being loved by someone. Now I also could say that there are things you don't have to dream anyomore... There are things already made right for you. I WANT TO TELL EVERYONE right now, I FOUND THAT THING ALREADY...when I finally have found the warmth, security and love in the arms of one special person in my life right now. And I couldn't and wouldn't think of any thing to let that person go.